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Experts say a healthy sexual relationship starts with communication
When Adan Gallegos was a junior in high school, he began getting intimate with a girl. He was into it, but then he noticed that his partner was a little tense and didn’t seem completely OK with the idea. “Do you want to slow down?” he asked. “Yes, please,” she said. He apologized, and they slowed down. This might seem like a simple exchange, but, according to Persephone Wilson, director of the Responsible Sex Education Institute at Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains, having these conversations is what safe and healthy sex is all about.
“It’s important to be honest with your partner,” she said. “That’s what respect looks like.”
When it comes to healthy sexual relationships, knowing what to do — and when — can be a difficult challenge, especially when it’s the first time. Both experts on the subject and teens suggest that young people exploring their sexuality learn what they want out of relationships, set boundaries for themselves and then establish clear communication with their partners to ensure safety and consent.
In 2017, 38 percent of New Mexico high school students reported having had sex, according to a statewide youth behavior side.
“That just makes talking about it all the more important,” said Maki Omori, a senior at New Mexico School for the Arts. “… It’s such a complex, broad and controversial topic.”
Omori used to work with Planned Parenthood’s Peer Education Program, which trained students ages 13-18 to teach sex ed to their own peers. One of her frustrations, she said, is what she considers a lack of discussion around sexual consent, both in the media and in society at large.
“Have you ever seen a romance movie where before they have sex someone asks for consent? No, you haven’t,” she said. “… But I really think it’s important for every teenager to understand that just because the ball is rolling doesn’t mean it has to keep rolling. I think consent is the most important thing for teens to understand, and it should be taught in every sex ed class in every school, starting, I think, in middle school.
“We’re not trained to consider consent in our society, and that’s something everyone needs to be educated on.”
Omori says that communication is key, not only with your partner but with yourself.
“If you feel uncomfortable in any way, I think it’s important that you stop, and that you check in with yourself and also talk to your partner, and not push those feelings away,” she said.
Trusting your partner and figuring out your values before getting into a sexual relationship can help to make that easier, Wilson said.
“Make decisions before you’re in an uncomfortable situation and then stick to them,” she suggested. “Determine what your own values are before you get into a sexual relationship, and then communicate them with your partner.”
Everyone has different methods for establishing that trust and exploring their values.
Gallegos, now a 19-year-old senior at the American Musical and Dramatic Academy in New York City, made up what he calls “a pyramid for healthy relationships” to help him navigate the dating world.
“First, you really have to be friends,” Gallegos said. “Then if you lowkey like each other, and then you really like each other and you’re both aware of it, you move on to pre-dating. I think you have to pre-date for at least three months to figure out if you really truly like the person, and if you do, then you can actually date. Then, maybe, you get to the top of the pyramid: the ‘I love you’ place.”
However, knowing if you are ready to take the relationship to the next level, and where sex fits into all that, can be difficult.
“My biggest concern with teens today is that while there seem to be casual hookups and sex, it doesn’t seem like teens today have the capacity for plain casual dating,” said Roy Petitfils, a teen counselor, speaker and author. “It is either, ‘We are going to be married’ or, ‘We are just talking’ or, ‘We are just hooking up.’ There is no sense of, ‘We can just date and see where it goes.’ ” So what if it is just a “casual hookup?” “Casual sex is not good for anyone’s mental health,” Petitfils said. “There is no such thing as ‘just sex.’ There is always some emotional entanglement and awkwardness that follows. Those are things that you have to seriously consider when deciding if you are ready to have sex, even if you are considering it outside of a relationship.”
Petitfils thinks that a lot of teens feel the pressure to have sex long before they are ready, primarily because they want to fit in.
“In high schools today, there is a stereotype that ‘everyone is doing it,’ but that’s not technically true,” he said.
Media portrayals of sex can play a role in this too, Omori said.
“In the media, there’s no examples of people who were like, ‘I’m not ready yet.’ ” she said. “It’s led to a lot of people, including me, feeling really uncomfortable expressing how I truly feel in a situation, because it’s scary to break the formula.
“There have definitely been situations where I’ve felt obligated to fulfill something, and I think a lot of women feel that.”
One solution, Omori said, is talking more openly about sex with others instead of treating it as an embarrassing or taboo topic.
“The more we destigmatize sex, the more we can encourage healthy relationships with one another, and the less people, especially women, will feel ashamed of their experiences,” Omori said.
At the end of the day, Gallegos said, a healthy sexual relationship is like any other relationship you are developing: It requires work, trust and communication.
“A real successful relationship is something you’re willing to work on, and if you’re not working on the relationship, then you’re wasting your time,” Gallegos said.
For students interested in learning more about the topic, Planned Parenthood has a 24/7 text line, In Case You’re Curious, that answers any questions you may have about sex, relationships and nearby resources. To access the line, text “ppnm” to 57890.
“Safe sex is great sex,” Gallegos said. “And please use latex.”