Can you break the generational chain of parenting?
Ireceived a great question the other day: “If parenting is sometimes handed down from generation to generation, how do we as parents try to break a chain that might not be healthy?”
We tend to parent as we were raised until we decide it is ineffective or isn’t a fit for us or our children. There may be things from your childhood that you have sworn not to perpetuate as a parent. It could be yelling, spanking, parenting from fear, being inaccessible or remote or disinterested or simply not present. Maybe your parents were unaffectionate, had no boundaries, had restrictive boundaries, were critical or demeaning, or showed preferential treatment towards siblings.
You have bravely decided to break this generational chain.
Possibly you are happy to parent as your parents raised you, but somehow it is ineffective with your children. How do you do break the chain and find a new way to be?
Breaking the chain is a very personal journey inward, and it is one of the most rewarding parts of being a parent. Here are a few ways to take the first steps.
◆ Attend a parenting course. There is a world of knowledge available as well as tools to assist you. You will also learn about child development. The more you know, the more you will be able to view your child’s behavior from the “long view,” and the less likely you will be hooked into power struggles and become frustrated.
◆ Surround yourself with parents who inspire you. It is highly encouraging to see parents you admire in action. Ask them questions. Learn how they handle situations. Use them as a model.
◆ Be clear on how you want to be as a parent. It is easy to know how you do not want to be. Be specific about how you want to be: Calm, loving, fair, present, accessible?
When things get challenging, ask yourself how to respond from there. How will I respond from a place of calm and loving kindness?
Your journey may include redefining how you see your “job description.” Do you wish to be an authoritarian or an authority? It may include redefining your focus. If you wish to let go of being punitive, focus more on curiosity and less on control.
◆ Let go of blaming your parents. If things that your parents did still hold a charge for you, consider letting go of blame. This doesn’t mean you condone their behavior. Forgiving your parents frees you to parent from a place of choice rather than a place of resistance. Your parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time. They were not perfect, and you will not be perfect either. Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who are present, willing to learn and ready to lead.
If you experienced abuse, consider finding a professional to assist you in healing.
◆ Develop yourself. This is the most important piece of this journey. Read books, such as It’s Time to Look Inside by Pamela Dunn or anything written by Brene Brown. Get a coach. Attend workshops and personal development weekends.
My greatest insights have been found within the courses offered by Your Infinite Life Training & Coaching Co. Spend time developing your character and coming to know yourself on a deeper level.
I wish you the best on your journey. It is the finest gift your kids will ever give you, and you all get to reap the benefits.
Maggie Macaulay is the owner of Whole Hearted Parenting, offering coaching, courses and workshops. Contact her at 954-483-8021 or Maggie@WholeHeartedParenting.com. Visit her website at WholeHeartedParenting.com.