Alcoholic aims to revive relationship

Dear Annie: My wife and I are drifting apart. I’m a recovering alcoholic of four years. I put her through a lot when I was drinking. When I got sober, I put my recovery first. I went to a lot of meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and put her second. Now, she is seeing someone else.

I think at this point it’s only an emotional affair, not a sexual one. But there have been times when she said she was going out with friends, and I know she went out with him. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I should be angry, and I’m not. But I don’t like it — it bothers me to no end. Communication in our relationship is nonexistent. I’m not sure what to do. — Drifting

Dear Drifting: Let’s start with congratulations on your recovery. Four years is something to be very proud of. It sounds like your wife still harbors resentment and pain from your drinking days. I might suggest that she attend Al-Anon meetings to help her better understand why you have to put your recovery first. My guess is that you know that if you didn’t, everything else in your life would fall apart, including your marriage.

The past is past, and it sounds like you have made amends. Communication is key in any marriage. It’s been so long that you and your wife might need to rebuild these communication channels to make this work. Take action and seek the help of a professional marriage counselor. If your wife refuses to go, then you should go yourself. Sometimes, when people use alcohol to numb their feelings for years, they lose touch with them. It’s time to go to a therapist or counselor and rediscover how you do feel about things.

And keep going to meetings. As they say in AA, the program works if you work it.

Dear Annie: I’m a married woman who has been in a secret relationship for three years with a co-worker of mine. My boyfriend died by suicide last week, and my world has been turned upsidedown. I was the last person he texted, and he wanted me to come over. I told him I couldn’t. A couple of hours later, he was gone. I have been crying uncontrollably ever since, and no one understands why.

He, too, was in a relationship, and I was led to believe she knew about us and was OK with our relationship. My husband does not know. Because I’m the “other woman,” I had no say in anything after his passing and wasn’t able to keep anything of his as a memory. My question is this: Would it be wrong to reach out to his family? They do not know about our relationship, and I wonder if I should tell them. I also want a few belongings (just a T-shirt, if anything!), but would it be wrong to ask? — Grieving “Girlfriend”

Dear Grieving Girlfriend: There is a lot to unpack in your letter. First, I am sorry that you lost your boyfriend to suicide. It is truly a tragedy when someone takes their own life. As far as wanting to tell his family that he was having an affair with you, I might hold off for a while.

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