Fiancée remains friends with lover
Dear Annie: I am about to get married to a woman I am still madly in love with, five years after we first met. Within two months after our first date, we told each other we were in love with each other and wanted to date each other exclusively. Yet, within four months, she was lying to me, going off for a night here and a night there, claiming to visit her sister, but actually staying with a married man she’s known since high school — a man with whom, she has admitted to me, she cheated on her late husband.
During our first year of dating, she tried reassuring me that it’s “emotional, not physical.” Is that supposed to be better? I told her she knows how I feel, and I’d appreciate her not talking to this man, at this point.
Yet, one day she was showing me something on her phone and accidentally showed me photos of them together. I looked at her phone later and saw the photos were dated recently. She lied to me about her whereabouts on those days. I have confronted her about her ongoing relationship with this man. She refuses to admit they still see each other.
We have lots of years and dating histories under both our belts. I realize that. I am not trying to control her, but I am also not willing to share her — not in this way. Is it wrong to ask to see her phone records to see if she is still talking and texting with him before I say “I do”? Is just having the question in my head enough that I should call it off ?
— Looking for Information
Dear Looking for Information: Reviewing her call logs might provide you with temporary relief, but it wouldn’t actually heal the fractured trust. In fact, in the long term, it could just make things worse by reinforcing a dynamic where you feel compelled to play private investigator to quell any suspicions.
Unfortunately, it does sound as though your suspicions are wellfounded. It’s OK for our significant others to have friends of the opposite sex or even to be platonic friends with exes.
But there is a difference between a friendship and an emotional affair. It sounds like your fiancée is swept up in the latter and has been for some time. Given her history with this man, it’s reasonable that you would feel uncomfortable with her spending time with him. It’s hurtful that she continues to do so after you’ve expressed your discomfort. And the fact that she lies about seeing him — that is indeed major cause for pause.
Unless you can say “I do” with all your heart, then it’s better not to say it.
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