Are our feelings current or historical?
Recently, on a corner in a small town in Pennsylvania, I passed by a father in his 30s with two beautiful children, a son and a daughter. The son was around 5 and the daughter was slightly older. They seemed to be waiting for someone. I continued up the hill and then heard the father venomously snarl at his son, “Why can’t you ever listen?”
I felt deeply sad for the son. He had been publicly shamed. I felt sad for the dad, too, because this wasn’t about his child’s listening skills. This wasn’t about the son ignoring a request made by dad. This wasn’t even current. Those five words spewed at his son had probably been spewed at him by his own father. This was intergenerational and historical.
Whenever we use words like “never,” “always” or “ever,” it is most likely historical, reflecting a core negative childhood experience.
This dad’s wounding words, rooted in his childhood, now became a core negative experience for his child. Unless it is explored and healed, it will remain embedded in the young boy’s body waiting to be unleashed on his own son or his future spouse.
I’ve used those adverbs, and you probably have, too. Even if we don’t speak with the venom this dad used, they interfere in our relationships. Here are a few practices that allow you to speak in ways that inspire cooperation and create closeness:
Monitor your tone of voice. If you notice an angry, frustrated, irritated, disappointed or disgusted tone, check out what is going on within you. What are you feeling? Your child will hear your tone over any words that you might use.
Tone adds an additional phrase to whatever you have said. Although not stated in words, it is felt by the recipient. For example, the phrase following “Can’t you ever listen?” is “you idiot” or “stupid” or “you total disappointment” or something similar. Dad didn’t directly state that phrase. The tone did, and it was heard loud and clear.
Watch the use of those three adverbs. If you notice that you are using them, get curious. What is going on under the surface? What feelings are coming up? What is happening in your body?
Those three words are hostile. How can you state what you want in a different way that isn’t hostile? Using one of the adverbs also creates a statement that is untrue. It is not true, in our example, that the son never listens. Those words will most likely generate resistance and a desire to defend in the person you are speaking with. The son did not defend out loud because it was probably not safe to do so. Chances are, though, he was defending big time in his head.
Be sensitive to the impact of your words. If the result is resistance, defensiveness or a lack of cooperation, it is time to get curious.
Examine what is underneath how you asked. Are you triggered? Did a big feeling or need to protect arise inside of you? Notice your child’s face. If you see shock, hurt, sadness or anger on your child’s face, examine what you said and how you said it.
If you discover that an interaction is historical, that is great news. That realization can start the unraveling of a restrictive trigger. It can be the beginning of a closer relationship with your child and greater liberation for you as a parent and as a human being.
Maggie Macaulay is the owner of Whole Hearted Parenting, offering coaching, courses and workshops. Contact her at 954-483-8021 or Maggie@ WholeHeartedParenting.com. Visit her website at WholeHeartedParenting.com.