Side-stepping the great Thanksgiving dinner debate
Bobby Moynihan as Drunk Uncle on Saturday Night Live was cringe-worthy. He was a loose cannon whose slurred rants often contained actual slurs about immigrants, the gay community and “kids today.” He blew out of the water the adage of avoiding discussions on politics and religion and was everyone’s nightmare guest at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
We all may have a version of Drunk Uncle at our holiday celebration, drunk or not. They could be the brother who rants about conspiracy theories, the aunt who insults other guests or the grandparent who blurts out racist remarks.
They could be someone who starts a debate and becomes the dominating voice at the table.
How do you create a Thanksgiving of gratitude when there is the possibility of a high level of uneasiness? Here are ideas to consider so that your holiday dinner is peaceful and one in which you are not walking on eggshells around an unpredictable (or incredibly too predictable) guest.
Set boundaries in advance. Consider a firm request to your guest ahead of time to avoid specific topics or behaviors. Kindly let them know the impact of their statements or actions. Ask them if they are willing to respect this boundary.
This conversation could look something like this — “I love you, Ann, and I love including you at Thanksgiving. The topic of election fraud makes some of our guests feel uncomfortable. Are you willing to stay away from talking about politics in general and election fraud specifically?”
Do not extend an invitation. If your guest regularly takes things sideways, creating highly uncomfortable situations, consider leaving them off your guest list.
I know that can be a tough and painful decision. This suggestion is for the person who will not respect a boundary, has repeatedly made egregious and offending remarks, or who can be relied upon to behave in a way that is disruptive.
If they are someone dear to you, such as a beloved family member, offer to bring them dinner at their home. Include flowers, nice napkins and other thoughtful touches to make it special. You can also order out and have a lovely meal delivered to them.
Seat people strategically. If two people have been adversaries in debates at past dinners, seat them on the same side of the table, separated by other guests. Without facing one another, they will be less likely to engage.
Consider having multiple tables if your guest list allows.
Do not seat children near anyone they do not enjoy being around or anyone who crosses boundaries with them, such as demanding unwanted hugs.
Create topics of conversation that allow people to get to know one another on other levels. Write questions on cardstock and have one at each place setting. Begin with one guest who reads and answers their question. Each person at the table takes a turn answering that question. Next, move on to another guest’s question.
Be creative in developing your questions. Here are a few ideas:
◆ What is the most enjoyable book you have read lately?
◆ What is a place you have always wanted to visit?
◆ What is something creative you have done recently?
◆ Who is someone interesting you have met?
Be willing to redirect the conversation. If someone hijacks the conversation, step up and move it back on track.
A redirect might sound something like, “That is very interesting, Brian, and I have a question for you that I’ve been meaning to ask.” Then ask a question about Brian’s career, friends, family or recent travels.
It could be as simple as, “Have you been following football?” Make it benign yet appropriate to their life. Plan what you will ask in advance if possible.
If a guest makes a statement that is highly charged or racist, be willing to address it and move the conversation forward. If someone delivers a diatribe that includes “All lives matter,” you can interject, “Yes, and Black lives matter. I’ve been meaning to ask you about (fill in the blank).”
You can firmly express your values and redirect the conversation without shaming your guest.
Preparing a lovely dinner is more than cooking delicious food. It is crafting your guest list and infusing the discussion with fun, enriching discourse. It is your willingness to create safety and comfort for your guests by redirecting any comments that take conversations off track, make people feel uneasy, or disparage any group of people.
You set the table and you set the tone. May your Thanksgiving be peaceful and full of unity.
Maggie Macaulay is the owner of Whole Hearted Parenting, offering coaching, courses and workshops. She can be contacted at 954-483-8021 or Maggie@ WholeHeartedParenting.com.