Resolving inheritance disputes
Dear Annie: I read a letter in your column about inheritance issues, and I wanted to share my own story.
My mother transferred a $930,000 house near the ocean to my single brother a few years ago in secret. We found out when trying to look at money for a care home for my father.
Her argument was that he has no family or children like my other sibling and me. This sibling also decided to give up working in his mid-40s and surfs, dives and fishes, while my other brother is a Fortune 500 director and I have my own property company. He often mocks us for working so hard and the toll it takes on our health while he maintains good health due his surplus of free time and minimal stress.
The problem is I am struggling to communicate with my mother now. Our daily back and forth messages have completely dried up. I am triggered by anything she sends to the point I can’t read it. She has not attempted any resolution. I feel I can spend the remainder of her life without seeing her again, which shocks me.
This situation has brought up decades of misogyny and problems in our family, and the brother receiving the property won’t discuss it. He has propped his lack of retirement planning up nicely, and he knows it.
I also send monthly money ($1,500) to my parents, which I have done for years.
Am I wrong for being so upset since my mother can do what she wants with her money?
Do I stop sending the money?
How do I move on from this?
— Inheritance Issues Dear Inheritance Issues: While your mother has the right to manage her finances as she sees fit, it’s natural for you to feel hurt by the unequal treatment.
If you choose to stop sending her money, communicate your decision respectfully and clearly, explaining your reasons without placing blame. Regardless, for any hope of reconciliation, it’s important to have a candid conversation with her about your hurt feelings.
As for your relationship with your brother, it’s understandable that you may feel betrayed and frustrated. It’s OK to need space from him while you work through your feelings, but know that holding onto anger and resentment may only harm you in the long run. You chose to work and build a successful property company; you can cherish that accomplishment and all that it has brought you without insulting your brother’s lifestyle.
Communicate openly with him as well, explaining your side of the situation without being accusatory. With honest communication and mutual compassion, you will be able to find some common ground.