Bring peace when siblings collide

If you have more than one child, chances are they will disagree, argue loudly, have strong feelings toward one another, express a dislike of one another — even using the word “hate” — set a hard boundary about entering their space or crossing an imaginary line, or will not be willing to share.

They may also ask you to intervene when these things happen.

One of the most helpful lessons from a parenting course I taught long ago was that parents do not have to fix things or happy their children up.

Your job is not to settle the fight. It is to bring peace to the fight. Those are two very different things.

Please note I am not talking about physical fighting where safety is an issue and in which an intervention is called for to keep both parties unscathed.

In bringing peace to the nonphysical fight, you do not choose a winner and loser. Fighting takes a hit on the relationship itself, and there are no winners and losers. Instead, you hold both parties accountable. You also task them with the resolution, which may initially be under your guidance.

Being held accountable — which is different from punishment — is an opportunity for growth. Learning to reach a resolution together is a highly important skill that will enhance their compassion, empathy and confidence.

Let’s look at an example. Imagine that your two young children are fighting over a toy. Here is the dialogue you might hear:

“That’s mine! Give it back!”

“No! It’s my turn to play with it!”

“No, it’s not! Give it to me!”

“No!”

“Mom!”

You may be tempted to rush up to them and grab the toy, yell a few choice words and send them to their rooms. That is an option; however, the lessons learned are that Mom is a referee, you get punished when you feel angry and your sibling gets you in trouble.

Let’s look at another option.

You hear the call to arms: “Mom!” Your thoughts are, “Not again. I am so tired of this. I don’t have time to constantly break up their fights.” Because those are trigger thoughts, adding more stress to your body, you notice your increased heart rate.

Recognizing that your nervous system is headed into the same state as your activated children, you take a moment to breathe. During the pause, you might ask yourself, “What is it I would like them to learn from this situation?” or “How do I want to show up when I enter the room?”

Deciding that you want to model peace, you focus your attention on how much you love each of your children. You focus on how each of them is more than who they are in the moment they are activated and fighting. You focus on what would bring safety to each of them.

Entering the room, you sit near them, continuing to breathe deeply as you make loving eye contact with each of them. Being a calm presence will allow them to co-regulate their systems with yours. You might extend your hand toward the toy. Once they have given it to you, you may make a loving statement about what you notice, such as, “I can see that you both are feeling some big feels right now. Let’s take a 15-minute break to cool down and then come back together so that you can figure things out.”

You have brought peace to the fight.

The situation is not yet resolved. After the cooldown time, what follows is the discovery of how each child feels, what they each want and how they can achieve it together. In this process, neither child is made into a victim or a perpetrator; neither child has been punished; and both children are held accountable for resolving a conflict. You have also resigned from the thankless and energy-sapping job of being a referee.

This is the start of a new way of navigating conflict that will guide your children in all their relationships throughout their lives. Because you modeled peace, they learned how powerful peace can be.