Imagine Biden, Harris talking about the southern border crisis
(The following is a copy of an imaginary leaked conversation between President Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris secretly recorded in Biden’s basement.)
“You want me to do what?” (spontaneously laughing).
“Kamala, I want you to take over the crisis, er, I mean the challenge at the border.”
“Joe, have you lost your mind? Excuse me. I mean, are you serious? That’s a horror show. I’m not a flunky. Send someone you hate. I did not sign up for this.”
“Neither did I. It’s Trump’s fault. He kept all these needy people out of our country. That’s not who we are. I’m a nice guy. Everybody says so. We have to let everybody in. They’re wearing my T-shirts.”
“Not the ones I saw. The ones I saw were huddled cheek to jowl on the floor wearing tinfoil blankets. We house stray dogs better.”
“Come on, man. Those pictures were taken when Trump was president. He kept migrant children in cages after he ripped them from their mothers’ arms. He starved them, too. Elizabeth Warren saw babies in cages, remember? Besides, I forced a media blackout, so they can’t be our pictures.”
“Joe, these are new pictures. Those kids look like baked potatoes on the floor all wrapped in aluminum. Even the president of Mexico is blaming you for the crisis, er, challenge.”
“He’s a Trump guy. Look, Kamala, this is a good assignment. It will get you great media coverage. People will forget Meghan Sparkle, er, Marbles, I mean Markle.”
“Sounds more like a set up for me to take the fall.”
“No, nothing like that. It is like one of the assignments Barack used to give me when I was vice president. I’d go to China, Russia and the Ukraine and take Hunter with me to share in the deals, uh, I mean meals. Boy, I miss Barack. He was a friend, a mentor and a guide.”
“Joe, that’s what you said about segregationist Sen. Robert Byrd, the white supremacist and Ku Klux Klan leader, when you spoke at his funeral.”
“I did?”
“Look, Joe, if the Mexican border is so important. why don’t you go down there. After all you as a great humanitarian opened the border and let everybody in.” (spontaneous laughter.)
“When did I do that?
“Right after you killed the Keystone Pipeline and stopped construction of the wall.”
“Stop laughing. I can’t go. I can’t fly for a while. People are waiting for me to fall going up the steps of Air Force One again. Putin, the killer, plays the video over and over when he’s drinking with his crooked buddies. They call it ‘Gone with the Wind.’ He has no soul.” “Trump plays it, too.”
“He has no soul, either. Otherwise, he would never have closed the border and built the wall. These people are Americans, too, Central Americans maybe, but Americans, nevertheless. And they’re Democrats.
Honduras, El Salvador and Nicaragua should become states, like Washington, D.C.”
”Didn’t Barack put you in charge of the border during the surges in 2014?” (more laughter).
“He did? (pausing) Oh, yes, he did. I remember now. I met with the corrupt leaders of Honduras, Guatemala and El Salvador. People were leaving because of the violence. The kids were getting beat up and shot in the dark streets. I told them they needed lighting in the streets. We got a contractor and paid him directly, not the corrupt politicians. He put in lighting. Violent crime was significantly reduced. Fewer people sought to leave. That’s what I want you to do.”
“Joe, I am not a contractor. I have enough problems dealing with the contractors working on the vice president’s mansion at the Naval Observatory. We still haven’t moved in. I’m getting a new kitchen. But right now, Doug and I are stuck living in Blair House. It’s nice.
But it is for presidential guests, not future presidents, like me.”
“Who’s Doug? Does he run the Pentagon?”
“He’s my husband, Doug Emhoff, the second gentleman. He’ll be first gentleman one day. He doesn’t want me to go to the border either.”
“The reason I need you down there is to make sure that everybody crossing gets at least one mail-in ballot. It’s part of the Voting Rights Act. If anybody objects, just call them racist. It works every time.”