Hold the stereotypes
Dads, moms each parent in their own distinct way
Recently, I was sitting in the cafe of a large chain grocery store when two employees walked by. One of them must have been training the other one because he said to his colleague, “You saw how crazy things were for Mother’s Day? How we sold out of flowers?” The trainee nodded. “Father’s Day won’t be anything like that,” the veteran said. “It’ll be just another Sunday.”
Americans spend, on average, $71 more for mothers than they do fathers on their respective holidays. And research from 2021 found that 84% of Americans were planning on feting their mothers, while 75% said the same for fathers. In a hyperconsumerist culture like ours — in which consumption mirrors identity and values — this spending discrepancy reveals deeper assumptions and stereotypes. Ultimately, it speaks to the limited ways we still expect fathers to parent.
As I discovered in research for my book, “Better Boys, Better Men,” many men don’t think they are supposed to want recognition for their parenting role, nor that they should speak up even if they do secretly crave it. One federal government employee told me, “All the men I’ve ever known taught me, or modeled, that men aren’t supposed to worry about being fussed over by their families. That’s for women.” In other words, men don’t believe they have permission to have the very human need for recognition met without risking appearing unmanly, vulnerable.
The 2019 Movember Global Research Report on masculinity and mental health found that a third of respondents feel
Many women want their husbands and partners to cling to traditionally masculine behaviors as being the constant pillar of stoic ‘strength’ for their families at the expense of their own needs. The problem with appearing ‘strong’ is that many people believe this requires internalizing deeper emotions.
“pressure to be manly/masculine” and that nearly 60% feel pressure from society to appear “strong” by being emotionally stoic, along with pressure to hide “weakness,” “fix things” and to be “physically strong.” Half of all respondents said that this pressure comes not just from men but from the larger society.
Such messages don’t originate with men only: Many women want their husbands and partners to cling to traditionally masculine behaviors as being the constant pillar of stoic “strength” for their families at the expense of their own needs. The problem with appearing “strong” is that many people believe this requires internalizing deeper emotions, which ultimately compromises our health and well-being and
ing questions as to why?
I have long advocated that Congress enact legislation calling on the CDC to conduct a pilot program at Head Start to assess how we socialize preschool boys—including a comparison with how we socialize girls. Are we cultivating boys’ capacity to nurture, to be compassionate? Or, are we reinforcing the message that violence is an acceptable part of boyhood—and manhood?
An organization like Dads Demand Action could be a powerful lobbying force to ensure the bill gets passed and the study is launched. And if Congress is slow to act, then individual chapters could lobby, state by state, just as is happening with new gun laws.
Education and organizing would likely be among the activities Dads Demand Action undertakes throughout the year, culminating on Father’s Day weekend with hundreds of events around the country showcasing programs that promote raising healthy boys.
Not just fathers, but all men, need to take a hard look at the privilege and entitlement we’ve enjoyed simply because we were born into male-identified bodies. It’s past time to ditch the old model of ‘ king- of-the- castle’ for greater rewards across the moat in the vineyards of equality: closer connections with the women and men in our lives; deeper relationships with our children; and discovering increased emotional literacy in our inner lives.
If the vast majority of nonviolent fathers and other men stand mute, then boys will grow up witnessing apoplectic dads threatening coaches at Little League games. Then U.S. Sen. Josh Hawley will get to define manhood as coldhearted, tough guy masculinity. We can’t let that happen.
Father’s Day is a time to acknowledge what it takes to raise healthy children; a time to celebrate the precious gift of being a parent. But with so many fathers and men in crisis, isn’t it also a time to consider a moratorium on conventional Father’s Day gift-giving?
Instead of spending millions of dollars on Hallmark cards, let’s begin supporting efforts to establish, fund, and launch the waiting- to- be- born Dads Demand Action to Raise Healthy Boys.
This Father’s Day, if you like, sure, fire up the grill and give Dad a new fishing rod. But also, let’s encourage men — fathers, sons, grandfathers, brothers, uncles, nephews — to move off the sidelines as bystanders and onto a field of dreams as change agents cultivating a disease-resistant crop of healthy boys.
If the vast majority of nonviolent fathers and other men stand mute, then boys will grow up witnessing apoplectic dads threatening coaches at Little League games.