Feeling forgotten by family
I have three children, a son and two daughters. My son resides in the same city as I do. I am a widow. We have always been a close family. However, my youngest daughter is not coming to visit as she once did. She is divorced; her former husband had an affair. She is seeing someone and spends most of her free time with him. She has four children and is a grandmother. My grandchildren are grown, but they have not come to see me in three years. I have helped my daughter financially, paid for children’s clothes, school activities and many other things. I recently paid for a root canal for her.
I am hurt that she will not take the time to visit. I asked if I had done anything to offend her, and she said no. The last time she came, she stayed two hours. She only lives two hours away from me. I had major surgery, and she did not come; she had a conflict. She did visit about two months later.
I am having difficulty coping with my feelings. What do you suggest? I talked to a therapist, and he agreed I had a right to be hurt. Thank you.
DEAR MOTHER >> Of course you have the right to feel hurt, but if you want a good relationship with your daughter, then you need to meet her halfway. She has four children of her own, grandchildren, a boyfriend and, presumably, a job — in other words, her time is not her own. Her responsibilities probably do not allow her to make the four-hour round-trip drive as often as she would like.
If you want to stop offering her financial assistance, you certainly have the right to do that. But if it’s simply time with your daughter that you’re after, consider making the trek to visit her more often.
DEAR ANNIE >> My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years. We have a 2-year-old child together. There are currently no plans for marriage. My first question is, how do I politely respond when people refer to either of us as husband or wife? Correcting them with, “We’re not married” seems to be awkward for others, and I don’t want to be rude, but saying nothing leaves me feeling as though I’ve lied to them. Secondly, my boyfriend has referred to me as his wife on occasion, and when asked why, he simply says, “Well, we’re practically married.”
I personally find that insulting, and it’s always annoyed me for dating couples to pretend they are married. But why would anyone feel the need to be “married” for show around people seen only on occasion when they haven’t even had the desire to be engaged?
— Just the Baby Mama
DEAR BABY MAMA >> Transparency, no matter how uncomfortable, is usually the best way through any situation. The next time someone refers to you two as “husband” or “wife,” you can say something along the lines of, “We get that a lot! But actually, ‘Raymond’ and I are boyfriend and girlfriend,” or “Right now, we’re long-term partners, but maybe someday, we’ll be a married couple, too.” Clarifying your relationship in this way doesn’t come across as rude or awkward, and you should say something if making the distinction really matters to you.
And while you’re speaking up to strangers, you should also speak up to your boyfriend. While you both are clearly deeply committed to one another, he should respect your feelings and refrain from calling you his “wife” unless you actually are, if that’s something you both end up wanting. Semantics aside, it sounds like you have a loving, happy relationship as a couple and a family, which, at the end of the day, is what’s really most important.