One size fits ... some­times

Serve Daily - - EMPOWERING LIBERTY - By Joe Capell

One size fits all. It’s a phrase we of­ten hear, but we sel­dom be­lieve.

Re­ally? One size fits all? Have you seen the dif­fer­ent sizes peo­ple are? Take a look at Mary Lou Ret­ton. Then think of Shaquille O’Neal. (Pic­ture him 40 or 50 pounds heav­ier than the last time you saw him, be­cause now that he is re­tired and not chas­ing Tim Dun­can, those Dou­ble Whop­pers with Cheese add up pretty quick.) Now, pic­ture Mary Lou and Shaq stand­ing next to each other. (She’s smil­ing, isn’t she?) If Mary Lou stood inside Shaq’s high­tops, they would prob­a­bly come up over her knees. Can you imag­ine ANY­THING that would fit BOTH of them?

My prob­lem isn’t with the peo­ple who claim one size fits all. They are ei­ther de­luded or bla­tant liars. My prob­lem comes when one spe­cific size doesn’t fit the same ev­ery time.

Not long ago, I lost some weight, and it was time to step down a size in my jeans. I have one brand and style of jeans that I’ve worn for years (Wran­gler car­pen­ter). (I like the lit­tle side pocket for my cell phone.) I’ve got six pair of jeans. They all SAY they are the same size, but they aren’t. Two pair are too loose, two pair are too tight, and two pair are ju­u­u­ust right. (Yes, I just turned this story about pant sizes into “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.”)

Is it ask­ing too much to get some con­sis­tency? In a per­fect world, jeans from dif­fer­ent com­pa­nies that SAY they are a cer­tain size would all BE that same size, so I could freely move be­tween Wran­gler, Levi, Lee, Rustler, Ed’s House O’ Jeans or any other brand with­out wor­ry­ing about size dis­crep­an­cies. But that’s not even what I’m ask­ing for here. I can’t even get the same BRAND to be con­sis­tent.

I have the same prob­lem with shoes. I’m some­where be­tween size 10-and-ahalf and size 12. Buy­ing shoes on­line is vir­tu­ally im­pos­si­ble. Maybe it’s a ploy to keep shoe sales­men in busi­ness? (If so, it’s not work­ing. I haven’t been to a store where the shoe sales­man brings out the shoe and puts it on your foot since about 1989.)

In the end, I don’t care what size the la­bel SAYS my clothes are, I just want clothes that fit. So, I may have to re­sort to the clos­est thing we have to “one size fits all”: stretchy span­dex! Please don’t make it come to that. (I won­der if any­one makes span­dex pants with a side pocket for my cell phone?)

For more funny-ish stuff, go to slowjoe40.com.

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