Kay Couglin shares her tips for navigating the “messy middle” at Women’s Leadership Connection
Kay Coughlin is a business coach, advocate for family caregivers, and CEO of Facilitator On Fire. From the Facilitator On Fire website: “In every forum she can find, she shouts that it’s OK for every human to earn a living, set and enforce boundaries around their bodies, thoughts, feelings and actions. Kay also teaches about emotional labor, how to rest, and Human Giver Syndrome, and is the host of the ‘From One Caregiver to Another’ podcast and author of From One Caregiver to Another – Overcoming Your Emotional Grind.” She was invited to speak at the Women’s Leadership Connection luncheon on Wednesday hosted by the Richland Area Chamber of Commerce.
“What To Expect When Reinventing Your Mind” was the title of Coughlin’s presentation Wednesday. As an introduction, she mentioned that this time of year is very popular for people to start spreading something called “toxic positivity.” This is the belief that no matter how bad what you are going through is, you should always have a positive attitude. Coughlin said we are expected to reinvent our minds all the time. “That’s what I’m going to be focusing on today. It’s going to be a survival guide and a how-to guide to help you get through it when the reinventing just doesn’t feel very good. I just want to acknowledge that I’m here for the hard stuff,” she said. Coughlin strongly believes in acknowledging our personal struggles and dealing with them rather than shoving them under the rug and covering them up with toxic positivity.
Coughlin brought up the point that as children, we would reinvent ourselves all the time, day to day, because we were figuring out who we wanted to be. She said that as an adult, it is looked down upon to reinvent yourself. “It’s seen as selfish, or using resources that should be used for someone else, or it’s seen as foolish, or risky,” she said. A lot of the reinventions adults do is because of the difficult things they may experience. “It’s very jolting to go from being a child where everybody encourages you to be creative and reinvent yourself and then become an adult, when you’re basically told to stay in place, stay who you are, don’t make any changes, it’ll make everybody else nervous,” said Coughlin.
About 15 years ago, Coughlin was in a terrible car accident and had to have years of therapy after.
“I came out of that one loving myself so much more than I did before and being so proud and no longer letting anybody tell me to keep my voice quiet,” she said. This was a change she went through in her life that caused her to reinvent herself. Others might include a death in the family, marriage, moving, becoming a parent, career changes, or any other big life event.
Coughlin gave the attendees three steps to reinvention: 1. Observe/ Be Aware/awaken, 2. Process/sit With It, and 3. Take Action. She said that we are not encouraged to observe and process situations, but to skip right to taking action because it can make the situation inconvenient for others. Doing this can cause us to stay in the same old spot and not do any good for ourselves. During her presentation, Coughlin focused mostly on Step 2: Processing because it is the most difficult for most people.
She refers to it as the “messy middle.” She said skipping this “messy middle” is easy because we might find uncomfortable things there and it might hurt. You might recognize hard emotions such as grief, resentment, disappointment, shame, heartbreak, anger, outrage,
betrayal, and monotony. “We’ve been taught not to trust our emotions. To squash them, to push them down, to pretend they’re not happening, and certainly not to make other people uncomfortable,” she said.
Coughlin explained the importance of letting people work through the processing step and not telling them to get over it or put a positive spin on it. This can be harmful and/or hurtful for them and make them feel like their struggles are not valid. When people are processing, they need support. She said that an important part of walking through the “messy middle” is not doing it alone. Learning to ask for help and receiving it is a very healthy step in working through Step 2 and being able to take informed action on Step 3.
“We were taught that you have to be alone and that it has to be scary. We have been taught to keep quiet about our struggles and to wander through it alone, don’t make other people feel bad, do not make people feel uncomfortable, hide our distress, hide our discomfort, hide our questions. What we are doing today is getting rid of this myth. There is no shame in being in the ‘messy middle,’” said Coughlin. She then had the attendees think of the person or people they would want to walk through the “messy middle” with them. Who are your people?
Coughlin gave three tips to thrive in the “messy middle.” First, she said to stop pretending like you are not in it, just admit
it. Second, she said to set expectations and set boundaries and stick to them. Third, she said to find your guides and your people, don’t go it alone. An honest guide might be your pastor, counselor, or therapist. Coughlin told the attendees that it is never too late to change and work on processing emotions in a healthy way. She explained that she was able to do this with her mother, who she is a caregiver for, and they have a
better relationship because of it.
If you want more of her emotional health insights, listen to Coughlin’s podcast, read her book, or visit her website. Voices like hers are important in this day and age where mental health is at an all time low. Remember to take your time in the “messy middle” and help others through theirs. As the saying goes, “It can get ugly before it gets beautiful.”