The Squirrel Wall of Branson
All the talk about putting up border walls and halting the flow of illegal immigration reminds me of another man-made wall calamity that happened near Branson.
We had moved to the nearby town of Forsyth in 1997 when I had accepted employment there. The wife got a job working in Bobby Vinton’s Blue Velvet Theater in Branson’s main tourist district.
I tell people she was one of Vinton’s dancers, but she actually just did his bookkeeping. I would rather she danced. Regardless, the job required her commuting from Forsyth to Branson on a daily basis. At some point road crews began working on U.S. Highway 65, setting up large concrete barriers in the median to protect the workers from traffic.
One day Trish came home from work a little upset. She noted that there were a lot of dead squirrels on the interstate. Each day that week she reported more squirrels being reduced to flattened patches of fur on the pavement.
We had an event to attend in Branson the next Saturday morning. We drove the few miles on back roads and pulled onto south U.S. 65. Traffic was heavy that morning, which was not uncommon for Branson that time of year. But what happened next was troubling to say the least. We could see the squirrel patches on the road, but what traumatized us the most was watching dozens of squirrels on the side of the road and the concrete barrier, huddled together until one would dash out, get hit and end up flying into the following cars! It was crazy!
Squirrels raining down as the frenzied animals ran across the road, hit the barrier, turned around and bounced back into traffic — only to be squashed or tossed into the clear blue sky! I wondered if I should turn on the windshield wipers, but squirrel parts are not the same as bug splatter. I don’t think windshield washer fluid can dissolve squirrel fur.
My 10-year-old son in the back seat alternated between laughing and screaming as we watched cars dodging and slowing to avoid hitting squirrels, which made the ride even scarier. An 18-wheel tractor-trailer roared by us in the fast lane, squirrels rolling in his wake.
Finally, we took the Branson exit and left the squirrel massacre. I remember thinking: “Oh, the squirrel-lamity!”
Some said that more squirrels were killed on U.S. 65 that year than were shot during hunting season. The squirrels that were left must have been smarter or faster, because the kill rate decreased shortly thereafter. Or maybe the area just ran low on squirrels.
I don’t know if a wall on our southern border would really impede illegal immigration.
Might be hard on squirrels though.
— Devin Houston is the president/CEO of Houston Enzymes. Send comments or questions to devin.houston@gmail.com. The opinions expressed are those of the author.