Doug the Deer’s revenge
Doug The Deer rocked back in his chair, taking a long, slow pull off the cigarette dangling from his lips. His plan was coming together perfectly. The thought of what lay ahead caused his antlers to tingle, and he laughed nervously.
“Humans are so stupid,” he muttered to himself. His infiltration into the community of Siloam Springs had been so easy. Years of planning by the Order of Cervida, the terrorist deer group to which he and his fellow brothers-in-arms belonged, were now coming to a head. Not for the first time, Doug thought back to the day of his parents’ death. He was just a young buck back then. He had not even grown his first antlers. It was the first day of hunting season. Dad had known better, but his mom insisted that they go out foraging for acorns because Doug was so small. She just wanted him well-fed before the coming winter. The two shots had rung out at almost the same time, felling his parents together. Tears came to Doug’s eyes as he recalled his father laying a hoof on his mom’s lifeless body, then yelling at Doug to run. A few days later, he ran into a group of deer that raised him and initiated him into the Order. They vowed to help him seek revenge.
Doug was much smaller than other deer. His size was the key for the plan conceived by the Order. Over the next couple of years, Doug would wander through the community, looking innocent and forlorn. He trained himself to not flinch when the humans came near to pet him and take photos. Soon Doug was the beloved subject of numerous articles in the local paper. Social media gushed about his cuteness while scoffing at the warnings issued by game management experts. Humans relaxed their guard, allowing him and other deer to come into their yards to eat grass and flowers. Some expressed alarm as to the deer’s voracious appetite for colorful and expensive plantings, especially rose bushes. These people were routinely dismissed as prejudiced and “anti-deer.” A campaign on Twitter emerged under the hashtags #DeerLivesMatter and #DougTheDeerRules. Yes, thought Doug, I certainly do!
The deer population in the town exploded as deer became unofficial pets of homeowners. The humans delighted in seeing deer in their yards! What harm could they really cause, anyway?
Doug snapped out of his reverie as the cigarette ash fell onto his lap, causing him to curse loudly. He remembered that he needed to double-check the preparations. The thousands of young ticks housed in the containers in the back room needed to be fed. Into each container he doled out a special bloodmeal containing a mixture of viruses, most notably Lyme and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Doug smiled as he watched the ticks eagerly attack the meal. At the appropriate time, they would be carried by Doug’s fellow deerists into the town and unleashed onto the unsuspecting humans.
Doug found his sharpener and began carefully honing his antler points. Then he cleaned and oiled his Glock and AR-15. “They’ll never find those owners,” he smirked, admiring the glistening brass of the ammo as he loaded the magazines. Satisfied with his work, Doug sat on the couch and cracked open a cold beer. He would have to go out soon and pretend to be the cute little deer that
everyone loves once again. The thought of being touched made him ill. But it would all be worth it.
“Humans are so stupid,” Doug murmured as he closed his eyes to dream.
— Devin Houston is the president/CEO of Houston Enzymes. Send comments or questions to dev in. houston@ gm ail. com. The opinions expressed are those of the author.