‘Rude’ relative may actually have food allergy

Dear Miss Manners: We have a relative whom we always invite when we host dinner parties, whether it’s for a holiday or just for fun. She always replies that she’d be happy to attend.

My issue is that she doesn’t eat our meals. She will place small amounts of food on her plate and maybe eat half of it. Her excuse is always that she’s just not hungry at the moment. She behaves this way at the homes of other relatives, too. However, if we go to restaurants, she eats everything she orders.

I personally feel insulted when I prepare a meal and she doesn’t eat it. I think she’s being rude to accept dinner invitations and then never eat the meal.

Gentle Reader: Actually, your relative is being extremely polite in not making a fuss about her obvious – to Miss Manners, anyway – food restrictions.

Nowadays, it is both useful and customary to ask prospective guests if they have any such limitations. In the case of a regular visitor, it seems rude to watch her struggling with her problem and make no attempt to fix it – and to take insult when she is making such an effort to avoid just that.

Dear Miss Manners: Please let me know your thoughts on a neighbor who “kindly” advised that although we will not be invited to her daughter’s baby shower, we should still purchase gifts for her soon-to-be-grandchild (using the provided link to a baby registry).

She said she had planned to host a baby shower in our neighborhood and invite her daughter, who lives nearby, to join us, but will not be able to due to some health risks. This information was provided via text to a large group of neighbors.

Is this over the proverbial top, regarding etiquette? Or is it a newly accepted way to provide for one’s grandchild? Typically, a shower is a lovely and special way for ladies (or whoever attends) to bond and giggle and share stories, but I’m not quite sure what to think about this request.

I’d also like some guidance in responding, since the text message was sent to many people. Some are replying with their happiness and healthy wishes for the new baby, and some are actually responding with the gift they plan to send.

Further, the sex of this child is the same as the family’s first child, which should mean that many items could be used again. There was a huge shower for the other child a few years ago; does every baby need a new stroller and bathtub?

Gentle Reader: The lovely and special gathering you have in mind is obviously not your neighbor’s purpose in having a shower.

But even if it were, the appearance of acquisitiveness is why there is an (often-violated) rule against giving showers for one’s immediate family.

Miss Manners gathers that you are not among those who are so happy about this pregnancy as to want to send presents. In that case, you need offer only your congratulations.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.