Introvert feels smothered by friends’ constant check-ins

Miss Manners

I live in New York and am lucky to have many friends concerned for me during the pandemic (particularly from my home country, which is far less affected). I say “lucky,” but initially, I was drowning in their concern.

At one stage, I received messages from people I hadn’t heard from for years, and requests for video calls from morning to night, which I was unable to keep up with. At the same time, countless “buddy check” text groups sprung up, with each social group requiring a check-in.

I’m still working, plus many of my friends are at home and contacting me at awkward hours. Over time, I’ve been able to gently convince some to back off — reminding them that I’m well, happy, still employed, have a safe home and am an introvert who likes isolation.

After spending my whole workday on video calls, this introvert really just needs some quiet time, and I don’t want to blog every day. However, if some extroverted acquaintances don’t see a social media post from me, they’ll send multiple messages asking if I’m OK and attempt to call. I set my phone to do-notdisturb after 7 p.m. so that I don’t hear the calls. They immediately text an “RU OK?”

However well meant, it feels really intrusive. I’m not sure what to do, short of simply ignoring these people entirely — which feels very rude.

The presumption that these acquaintances need to do a personal “proof of life” check on me every few days seems absurd.

What on earth can I politely say to get wellmeaning people to leave me the heck alone? It seems like a little thing, but I’m at my wits’ end.

As if there were not enough divisions in society already, COVID-19 has created another: the Doing and the Not-Doing.

In addition to worrying about the disease itself, the Not-Doing are further oppressed by unwanted free time, which often comes at the cost of financial stability. The Doing — a group that includes not just first responders, but also food workers, teachers and civil servants — are working longer hours than ever. The extra work is due to increased need for their services, but it is made harder by the disintegration of any sense of time. Particularly if you are working from home, “9 a.m. to 5 p.m.” no longer provides any protection.

Miss Manners reminds everyone that theirs are not the only frayed nerves. And she absolves you from responsibility for responding to emails, phone calls and texts for some time after you have assured your distant friends that you are grateful for their concern, but you are healthy and that your only problem is that there are no longer enough hours in the day to get everything done. posted on social media that I was excited to have received a stimulus check. One comment on my post said that others were giving their checks to those more in need, “maybe even family members.”

The comment was from the wife of my cousin. She clearly implied that I should consider giving funds to her husband, whom she has long been separated from, and from whom she is financially independent. (Her husband scrapes by and, unlike us, was negatively affected by the lockdowns.)

My wife and I disagree about the propriety of the comment. One of us thinks the public solicitation crossed the line. The other thinks the comment placed the wife’s reputation at risk for the benefit of another and so was actually praiseworthy. Your thoughts?

Demanding that people hand over their money or they will get hurt, where the threat is to harm their reputations rather than their bodies, is the social equivalent of a crime. How the money is then used does not justify the means of getting it.

Miss Manners realizes that she has described a fundraising technique that is used by many charitable organizations.

When she hears the phrase “but it’s for a good cause,” she is sadly aware that the “but” means that rudeness is being cited as a virtue.

However, it is never a good idea to post about your financial gains.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.