Introductions and small talk are uncomfortable necessities

Dear Miss Manners: I can’t make small talk. At a gathering, if I have nothing to say, I say nothing.

If someone asks me a question, I will certainly try to answer to the best of my ability, but that’s it. People will actually come up to me and ask why I don’t talk, and I simply tell them I have nothing to say.

Around women, it’s worse. I tend to be intimidated by women in general, which probably comes from being raised by a domineering mother. I once sat next to a woman in a class, and I was so intimidated by her mere presence, I didn’t say one word to her for the duration of the class (about seven hours). I’ve never been able to understand how most guys can just walk up to a woman and start talking.

Another problem is that I don’t introduce myself. I never liked my name, so I don’t offer it. If someone asks my name, I’ll certainly tell them, but they have to ask. But the main point is, around men or women,

I’m just not a talker.

Gentle reader: You put Miss Manners in mind of a father whose daughter’s college application asked whether she was a leader. His advice was to admit that she was not, but to state that she was a hardworking follower when the cause was just.

An admissions officer wrote on the young lady’s acceptance letter that the school was especially glad to have her, because the entire rest of the class — indeed, all the applicants — were leaders, and badly in need of a follower.

We are a society of talkers, badly in need of a listener. You do have to learn to introduce yourself — it is a simple formula, but the failure to do so is unfriendly — and then to ask easy, non-intrusive questions. Don’t worry about making these clever; the most banal inquiries — about the occasion, the weather, the location — work best, because the other person is not challenged to come up with something original. Once you get others talking, you can be charming just by listening.

Dear Miss Manners: Years ago, in my prior marriage, my then-husband and I invited my newly married stepdaughter’s in-laws to dinner. They declined, stating that they “didn’t need any more friends.”

Friends? And here I thought in-laws were family. Later, the groom’s mother threw a baby shower for her daughterin-law (my stepdaughter) and she was miffed when I was uncomfortable being on the invitation as a co-hostess — since, in my opinion, friends throw showers, not family. Admittedly I still responded as if she were FAMILY. At least to my stepdaughter.

Was this mother-in-law an anomaly? I’m getting remarried, and this will come up.

Various other in-laws are about to cross my path, hopefully in a lovely way, but I’ll have an old-fashioned attack of the vapors if I can’t get some consistency on this.

Gentle reader: Funny how this person does not require friends except when they can help her pay for stuff.

Miss Manners supposes that at least her stance was consistent. Since she did not regard you as family, then you would indeed be a contender to host the shower — just not alongside her. Regardless, rudeness is rudeness, and if she did not wish to know you before, she should not have asked for your help later.

As for the larger question, in-laws should indeed be considered family

... in law. Out of law (as with divorce), they may be considered friends if both parties are amenable. But they should never be considered benefactors.

Dear Miss Manners: Since when does anyone with manners cut food with a FORK??? Isn’t that what a knife is for?

Gentle reader: Since about 200 years ago, when the fork was belatedly coming into common use. Before that, most Europeans and Americans ate with their knives — generally their own all-purpose knives, which they might have also used to kill small animals or clear brush.

Then it came to be considered more civilized to use a fork (which Italians had been using all along), and tableware was already supplied at the table. The fork became the instrument of choice, with the knife only employed for meat and other foods that could not be sliced with the side of the fork.

Miss Manners has chosen to assume that you are more interested in learning history than expressing sarcasm.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.