Busy lady wants unsupportive people to leave her alone

Currently, I am in my master’s program, and in a state of intense work within my field. I am also a mother of three and run a nonprofit organization. I’m a busy lady with not a lot of time for B.S.

My friends and family know I am busy, that I am trying to focus, and how important this is to me. These “friends and family” are not only unsupportive, but also contacting me about really arbitrary, useless things.

I just want them to leave me alone for the next few months until my qualifying review. I’ll deal with the “unsupportive” part later. How do I nicely tell people to leave me alone?

It’s a good thing that you added the word “nicely.” You sound exasperated, and in danger of saying something that will keep them away when you want them to congratulate you on getting that degree.

If these family members are your minor children, Miss Manners can only offer you sympathy, and she hopes that you find a way to keep them safely occupied.

But if they are not members of your household, you should sound apologetic when you tell them that for the next whatever-amount-oftime, you can’t focus with distractions. You are therefore turning off the telephone and not attending to texts, emails or doorbells, but will be happy and relieved when you are again free to have the plea

sure of seeing them.

When my friend’s computer was broken, she asked if she could come to my house to attend an online meeting that I, too, was attending. I said yes, and jokingly said that I believed the rule is that if you leave the house to attend an online meeting, you must wear pants. She wrote back, “Under- or outer-?”

I was loath to commit to an answer. I know that there are instances when these categories blur.

Can you explain the manner of dressing that might be expected of a guest who has come over specifically to attend an online event where attendees will be seated, and whether the online event or the visit should guide the host’s attire?

The simple answer is to dress for the meeting, as the host is merely providing an entrance to that. But also not to violate decency laws by leaving home without pants. However, Miss Manners considers the real problem here to be that it is time to retire that joke about not wearing pants when their absence will not be visible. You tried it, and your friend tried to make a joking reply, but neither went over. We are all very tired of it.

Growing up, I was told by my parents that the light by the front door should only be left on if one was prepared to receive guests; if it was off, then nobody should knock, unless it was an emergency. Is this a legitimate custom? And, if so, does it have any credibility today?

I have a luncheon bet riding on the reply, though my mother will undoubtedly make me pay no

matter what.

Someone who is so good at making rules that she gets away with decreeing that she wins no matter what is not someone with whom Miss Manners cares to tangle. She can only assure you that your parents’ rule about outside lights may apply to you, but it is not generally known or practiced.

People may turn on such lights at night not to invite company, but to keep intruders away. What would-be visitors need to know nowadays is that there are many forms of communication by which to inquire in advance if they would be welcome.

How do I address a sympathy card to a widow, whom I have never met, of a client?

Reaching out to the widow of someone you knew professionally is a thoughtful way to demonstrate respect for the dead, but it requires a handwritten letter, not a mere card, because there is much to say.

First, introduce yourself, explaining your connection to the deceased, and then express your condolences in the normal way. End with a brief anecdote or recollection about the deceased that shows him in a good light, and of which the widow may not have been aware. Miss Manners considers the extra time this will take to be well spent, and trusts that you will as well.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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