How to discreetly criticize the only oncologist in town

Dear Miss Manners: I have cancer. I live in a fairly small town with a fairly small hospital. There is only one oncology practice, with only one oncologist. The next town is not close.

At my last appointment, the doctor and I were both wearing masks.

The hospital does not let anyone into the building without a mask and temperature test. I said something that was a little muffled that I had to repeat. Pointing to his mask, the oncologist said, “These masks don’t do anything anyway. They don’t help; they’re just for show.”

This is a doctor whose patients are virtually all immunocompromised, since most cancer drugs wipe out our white cell count. If this man doesn’t believe masks work, why would he take precautions outside of the hospital?

Gossip spreads easily around here, and I am afraid to say anything to anyone about this for fear he would likely find out who “complained.” As I said, there is no other oncologist in town.

Gentle reader: Doctors and hospitals are supposed to be more discreet than the average resident, but Miss Manners understands your concern and your urgency.

As the goal is to hide in plain sight, she can offer two solutions: sharing all of your concerns with someone in authority whom you trust — your general practitioner, perhaps — and asking that person to act, discreetly, on your behalf; or mobilizing fellow patients to crowd the hospital administration with multiple, identical complaints.

Dear Miss Manners: How can I get a co-worker to wear a mask in our workplace, which supposedly requires masks at all times? I’ve already complained to her supervisor and the HR department.

Gentle reader: Co-workers — by which Miss Manners means workers of equal rank, not the faux charm with which the boss who just gave you a bad performance review introduces you as his co-worker — have limited authority, either from HR or Miss Manners, to boss one another around.

They have still less ability to enforce behavioral changes. If neither the boss nor HR are willing to address your understandable, and serious, concern, then they should be asked if they can relocate you to a safe (not, please note, “a safer”) environment.

Dear Miss Manners: My sister-in-law recently brought her dog to stay in my home for two months while her family relocates. She also brought a cute, sturdy canvas tote stitched with the dog’s name, holding an extra leash, two harnesses and assorted treats and meds.

When we send the dog back to her, she asked if I would mail the bag of supplies as well. Like most dog-related goods, the bag and harnesses have gotten muddy and haven’t been washed in a while. I’d love to toss it all in the laundry as I do routinely with my own dogs’ things, and send it all back fresh.

If Miss Manners will take me at my word that I have absolutely no double intent, other than making my SIL’s move a little easier, I would appreciate it. But will my SIL find some offense?

Gentle reader: Expert though she is on all things etiquette-related, Miss Manners has long ago given up trying to predict what will cause people to take offense when they are determined to do so.

That said, there is a simple solution to your problem. Call your sisterin-law and tell her what you intend to do. When you explain that the purpose of the call was to check if there was any reason to be concerned that the tote’s stitching might be damaged in the wash, you will have removed even the indefensible reason for her to take offense.

Dear Miss Manners: What do you think about the fairly new practice of “return receipts” — sales receipts to include with a gift, provided by the store to facilitate returns?

I’m of two minds about it, myself. Such receipts certainly make returning gifts easier, but I dislike the presumption that goes hand in hand with the receipt: that the recipient probably won’t care much for what I’ve picked out.

Gentle reader: Oh, those naughty stores, packing such receipts with presents that are perfect and no one would ever want to return. However, considering that it is not done by the giver, Miss Manners considers these a good idea.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to miss manners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.