Recycling leads to neighbors speculating about sobriety

Dear Miss Manners:

My community, like many others, encourages recycling, and each household is allotted two open bins for a weekly pickup. Because I live alone, I have extra space left over in my bins, so I allow my neighbor, who has a family of five, to place her overflow into mine.

Ordinarily this would be fine, except it has led to a regular assortment of her family’s wine bottles being placed on the top of each of my bins, on full display for the neighborhood.

This wouldn’t bother me, except that I am a recovering alcoholic — a fact that many on the street are aware of. This new barrage of liquor-related refuse has led some neighbors to speculate that I’ve relapsed, as I’ve done in the past. I’ve fended off several veiled inquiries probing the possibility of my needing help again, as my denial is never fully believed.

I don’t mind helping my neighbor, but how do I politely ask her to exclude the wine bottles from my bins? It sounds funny to say that I worry about the neighbors examining my recyclables and drawing incorrect conclusions, but in reality, that’s exactly what’s happening.

Gentle reader:

Your object, when you explain the problem to your neighbor, should be to embarrass her enough to keep the bottles in her own bin. The way to do this is to appear to be embarrassed yourself.

Miss Manners warns you to be both definite and vague: definite that your concern is not theoretical

— a number of neighbors have actually approached you, so she cannot dismiss your concern — but vague about who those other neighbors are. That way, she cannot embarrass you even more by offering to assure them of your continued sobriety.

Dear Miss Manners:

I am 22 years old and have recently realized that I am a calm person by nature. I have suffered inwardly for years because my mom, being excessively gregarious, loud and intrusive, made me believe as a child that I had to be like her in order to be liked by others.

So instead of learning to be myself, which would have been far more beneficial, I spent all my adolescent and early adult years trying to act outgoing and boisterous — constantly trying to shock and tease others (which is how my mom normally acts). As a result, I became a peoplepleaser who couldn’t please most people! I inadvertently offended people instead of making them laugh. The raised eyebrows and cold shoulders I received made me work harder, and in turn, become even more shunned.

Now, I have only one dear friend I can still talk to. My energy is naturally soft and calm, so overexerting myself the way I used to makes me exhausted and depressed afterward. Now that I have realized this, I strive to be myself. Nevertheless, I still occasionally feel the insecurity that comes from my past of people-pleasing. And although things have considerably improved for me socially, I still get anxious that I might have offended someone. How can I overcome this?

Gentle reader:

While Miss Manners is not always a fan of the directive to “be yourself ” (it is usually an excuse to be frank, which quickly turns into selfishness or meanness), it seems to her that in your case, it is justified.

Not everyone is a comedian, and most people do not welcome the attempts of clumsy or amateur ones. If you slip up and have tangible evidence you might have offended someone, ask for forgiveness. But do not make the mistake of constantly assuming you have done so, as that can be its own annoying self-indulgence.

Dear Miss Manners:

Five guests and the host at a dinner party all drank red wine. When all glasses were empty, the host opened a new bottle of wine, refilled her glass and those of two other guests, and set the bottle down between her and the two guests with refilled glasses.

No request was made to the other three guests as to whether they wanted more wine. No one present has a problem with alcohol. Is this normal behavior, and how should people respond?

Gentle reader:

They could respond with, “Please pass the wine.” Presuming that they want some.

The response Miss Manners dislikes is your assumption that the host intended to slight some of her guests and hog all the wine for her end of the table. She might better have asked around, but in very informal meals, wine bottles are set on the table and guests are expected to pass them as requested.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

Judith Martin Miss Manners