Basement accommodations boast twin bed, dust, spiders

Dear Miss Manners:

Every other year, my husband and I travel to spend holidays with his side of the family. His father has a large home that is now an “empty nest” since all of the siblings are grown and have moved out. My FIL insists we stay at his home during these visits instead of a hotel.

The problem is, his home has become a museum to my husband’s and his brothers’ childhoods. Their bedrooms have been left untouched. My husband’s childhood bedroom is in the basement and has naught but a twin bed, cobwebs and a thick layer of dust. The sheets are never washed when we arrive, and the room is cold, dirty and far from the nearest bathroom.

We have tried claiming we aren’t paying for our hotel room (it’s free with our credit card points!), but my FIL is a shrewd man and seems offended when we decline, insisting on knowing why we won’t stay with him.

How can we explain without hurting his feelings? We’ve considered spending a few days on our next visit deep-cleaning the room and bringing a queen-sized inflatable bed and nice sheets, but it doesn’t solve the problem of the room being in the cold basement, full of spiders and far from the bathroom.

Gentle reader:

Being among family does not mean suspending normal manners. As your host, your father-in-law should expect to provide what comfort he can when you visit.

But Miss Manners recognizes that there are times when even an impersonal chain hotel might seem like luxury compared to a room adorned with reminders of, and last cleaned during, the mid-1980s — spiders or not.

Your husband may remember from those years that there was some parental tolerance for not always keeping his room tidy. It is time to reciprocate that tolerance and care, a burden that you assumed when you married into the family. (Your husband will reciprocate when you visit your family.)

Talk to your father-inlaw (or, better, have your husband talk to him) about what minimum upgrades are required, and, if necessary, assist him in making them. It will avoid the implied rudeness of not staying with him and give you something to talk about.

Dear Miss Manners:

I have a boss who is a texter. At any time, I may get a text from him with a request or a correction of my work. I’ve gotten texts on picnic dates, while shopping and at the dentist, for starters.

I am hourly, not salaried. I have brought up the need for boundaries repeatedly, but not directly to my boss — the owner of the small company where I work.

Aside from scheduling, there is nothing I can do about most of the situations he texts me about if I am not at work. Eventually, I started blocking him as I clocked out and unblocking him as I clocked in, so that I’m only actually available during paid hours. But I’m worried about being considered delinquent for not responding. (He always expects a response.) What is your advice?

Gentle reader:

That having virtually obliterated the physical workplace, we are desperately in need of a return to real work hours. Miss Manners suggests: “I am afraid that I am only available each week during the paid hours for which I am contracted. However, I would certainly be happy to discuss more extended, salaried employment if that is what you require.” At which point, if he takes you up on it, you will still have to set parameters. But at least you will have been duly compensated.

Dear Miss Manners:

My wife insists that cutting up over-easy eggs on my plate before eating them is borderline Neanderthal behavior. Is it? (Many people I know do it.)

Gentle reader:

The pre-cutting of food should be generally reserved for those doing it on behalf of someone who might otherwise struggle or choke — the young, the infirm and apparently your Neanderthal friends.

Miss Manners does concede that everything after the initial ooze of the yolk is bound to be less satisfying, but chasing it around the plate with subsequent cuts should not be underestimated. It is also more proper.

Dear Miss Manners:

I find the phrase “shut up” to be hostile, aggressive and just demoralizing. Are there any situations where it is OK to say it?

Gentle reader:

“Shut up the house before the storm hits, Pa!”

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.