Discuss cleaning obligations with adult son and girlfriend

I am happy that our 21-yearold son still lives with us. He is our only child, and his father and I are not eager to be empty-nesters at this point. We enjoy his company.

He is an extremely hard worker, putting in long hours running a division of the family business, and he leaves for work around 4:30 a.m. As his neatnik mother, I make his bed for him most days. When he arrives home, it’s neat and tidy.

Miss Manners, my issue is with his girlfriend, who spends a few nights here each week. I like her, and as they are both adults, I am OK with this arrangement. I know that when she arrives, the bed is made nicely. However, when they leave together in the morning, the bed is either left unmade or haphazardly thrown together. Also, her empty or halfempty beverage containers are left on the dresser.

I have occasionally given them both a friendly reminder about making the bed. As she is a guest, is it unreasonable that I should expect her to make up the bed as it was? At least she could suggest to my son that they do so together. Perhaps I’m old-fashioned. Are my expectations reasonable? Is there a gracious way for me to let my feelings be known?

Have you tried just asking them to shut the door after themselves?

As more adult children continue to live with their parents, confusion has naturally arisen over the etiquette. Your son is not a guest, but neither is he a child. His girlfriend’s presence increases the confusion.

Miss Manners is gently indifferent to whether or not you continue to make your son’s bed, but is clear on some points:

First, an adult child is expected to exercise the empathy and judgment of the former, not the latter. That means your son should be expressing occasional gratitude if you make his bed — or getting your assent that, as it is his room, it is his decision to leave it unmade — and doing what he can to be helpful around the house.

Second, the girlfriend is a long-term guest, which means that she, too, should offer to help out. The way to establish an understanding is to discuss your mutual expectations and obligations with your son, leaving him with the job of telling her.

Our vice president is being addressed as “Madam

Vice President.” I realize she is the first female vice president in the United States and so this usage is precedent-setting. However, to my ear, this usage doesn’t seem to be the female equivalent of the way American presidents are addressed (“Mr. President”). Wouldn’t true equivalency be “Ms. Vice President”? In the Francophone diplomatic world, “madam” is used for both female ambassadors and wives of ambassadors, which further muddies the water.

There is another muddle in that water: You are confusing “madam” with the French honorific “madame.”

“Madam” is a perfectly good English word — the equivalent of “mister,” with a dash more respect added. Thus it is the correct way to address someone of high rank, married or not (as it is used for female royalty in England). In direct address, it is abbreviated as “ma’am,” equivalent to “sir” for males.

As Miss Manners recalls, the precedent was set by the previous highest-ranking female in U.S. government. When Madeleine Albright became secretary of state, she became “Madam Secretary,” as she entitled her memoir.

You need not feel bad about your mistake; the entire last all-male United States Supreme Court was unable to figure out (and failed to research) the equivalent for “Mr. Justice” for their first female peer. So, like many people who are bewildered by the emotional controversy about titles, they dropped the courtesy entirely, becoming simply “Justice.”

As my wife and I were having lunch with four friends at a restaurant, everyone but me started looking at their cellphones while we waited to be served. I don’t have a cellphone, so when I saw a magazine nearby, I picked it up and read it as we waited.

When we got home, I was surprised to hear my wife say that she had been embarrassed by my rudeness. Is it rude to read while everyone else is looking at their cellphones?

Not more rude, only more conspicuous.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.