Adult sons appear to have forgotten childhood lesson

Dear Miss Manners: We have two sons in their 30s who were taught at a young age to say “thank you,” and were encouraged to write thank-you notes to the senders of gifts they received. We modeled gratitude in our behavior, as well. Fast-forward to the past few years. They have both moved many states away, so gift-giving is remote and we are rarely present when gifts are received. Sadly for us, we get no acknowledgment or any form of a thank-you.

In every other way, they are loving, caring people. Whenever we receive a gift or card from them, we promptly thank them, whether verbally or in writing. We’re really at a loss for what to do. We give gifts with an open hand and have no expectations that they will like the gifts, or even keep them. I honestly don’t feel we’re giving just to get recognition. Saying something to them about this issue might be misconstrued as us asking for a thank-you, rather than a request to look at the broader issue of being grateful for others’ thoughtfulness.

The real issue is that it pains us to think that they are equally ungrateful to others; I would like to encourage them to be grateful in all ways to all people. Do you have a suggestion for broaching this subject in a loving and nonjudgmental way?

Gentle reader: Yes: Feedback. Miss Manners would prefer to frame this issue in terms of gratitude and empathy, but that tends to make people’s eyes roll or glaze. Yet they understand feedback, and feel that it would be rude to ignore the self-advertisements of people they have never even met. A photograph of someone’s lunch prompts more politeness than — well, actual presents from people they profess to love.

So please tell your sons that you expect feedback, and that they might remember what form you expect that to take. You are not helping by claiming to be nonjudgmental. It is a just judgment to declare that generosity and gratitude are a paired couple, and one must inspire the other, even in regard to parents.

Dear Miss Manners: I lost my beloved sister two years ago to ovarian cancer. Her only child, who came out his freshman year in college, is in a very loving relationship with a wonderful man. They are soon to be married, and of course the family is invited to the wedding, which will be in Washington, D.C.

My husband said at the outset of the relationship that he would never attend a gay wedding. I have no qualms about it; to me, it’s all about love. He now says he doesn’t want me to go because D.C. is a dangerous place. I feel I should do what I want to do, which is go to this wedding; on the other hand, he will make my life miserable about it for a long time. We have been married for 40 years and he has always pretty much had the last word on everything, but I know I will resent him if I don’t go.

Gentle reader: It seems to Miss Manners that either way, there will be resentment. It is unfortunately up to you which form of it is more tolerable.

Miss Manners certainly does not wish to put further strain on your marriage, but she will point out two things: Not going to the wedding may well cause a rift between you and the rest of your family. And as a native and resident of Washington, D.C., herself, she assures you that it is infinitely less dangerous than prejudice and intolerance.

Dear Miss Manners: For most of my life, my mother has had a special endearment that she uses just for me. Her new beau has taken to calling me by this same endearment, and I would prefer that he not. Aside from a harsh-sounding, “Please don’t call me that!” how can I politely tell him that I would prefer he use my first name instead?

Gentle reader: There is no cause to be harsh: Having heard you addressed this way, he naturally thought it was your accepted nickname. All that is needed is, “Oh, that’s just Mother’s pet name for me. Everyone else calls me Daisy.”

Dear Miss Manners: When squeezing into a theater row, is it better to put your butt towards the people you are squeezing past, or to awkwardly look them in the eye?

Gentle reader: That’s the problem — you would be looking them too closely in the eyes. Miss Manners agrees that the backward approach seems unseemly, even though you will turn your head occasionally to say “Excuse me.” So think of it as facing the stage.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners .com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.