Daughter’s boyfriend shows he lacks mealtime manners

My daughter, age 28, lives in the same town as her father and me. She comes over for dinner every couple of weeks and usually asks to bring her boyfriend, Doug, age 29.

No matter what meals I have served, Doug has never said anything complimentary about the food and has never even thanked me for the meal. Otherwise, he seems to be a nice young man.

I’ve tried to raise my daughter with proper manners and I believe she knows better than this. I’ve tried giving her hints, but either she didn’t get the hint or didn’t say anything to Doug about it.

Should I tell her exactly how I feel about this?

But then Doug might feel required to compliment my cooking (or at least thank me for the food), and it will be false and insincere. Another possibility is that my daughter will feel offended on Doug’s behalf. I won’t even mention Doug’s table manners, as I’m sure that would set her off. How would you recommend handling this?

Gentle reader: Let us all divest ourselves of the idea that manners has anything to do with obeying one’s natural tendencies. This young man has already shown you his, and you do not care for them.

Therefore Miss Manners believes that the fear that telling your daughter will cause him to act insincerely is an unreasonable one. Fortunately, the situation may easily be manipulated. Miss

Manners suggests that you ask your daughter if Doug has specific food preferences, since he does not seem to enjoy your cooking and you want to please him. This will, in turn, prompt your daughter to nudge him to say something nice at the next meal — for her sake, at least. When he does so, you must accept it, no matter how false and insincere it may seem. If he sticks around, he will get better at it.

Dear Miss Manners: We were shopping at a local farmer’s market and I had just placed my order at the butcher counter. My teen daughter was standing next to me and opted to move out of the area to make more room for others.

As she turned, there was an older woman immediately behind her, so close that my daughter had only started to turn when her shoulder bumped against this woman and caused her to lose her balance. My daughter quickly steadied her at the shoulders, apologized several times and asked if she was OK.

The woman glared hard at her, brushed off the front of her shirt as though my daughter had spilled something on her (my daughter was holding nothing) and huffed, but did not say anything. She then proceeded to walk over to a companion and declare loudly how “that young lady tried to run me over.” Both of them glared pointedly at her until we were able to complete our order and leave the area.

Was there something else my daughter or I should have done? I believe my daughter handled the situation appropriately, and I told her so. However, she was quite distressed at the treatment this woman gave her and was worried that her action was somehow more terrible than the small accident that it was.

The mama bear in me wanted to say something to the woman, but I’m also a firm believer in not being rude just because someone else is.

Gentle reader: The lessons for your daughter to learn are those you are already teaching her: that not everyone is polite, but that we do not return rudeness with more rudeness. You may tell her that Miss Manners knows she handled the situation well — and that everyone within earshot was on her side.

Dear Miss Manners: Are there etiquette guidelines involving the groom’s pre-wedding party? My best friend will be my best man, and his wife is also a dear friend of mine. She was thrilled to be asked to be a groomswoman.

However, should I invite her to my bachelor party? Her husband and the rest of the groomsmen will be attending, but I am unsure. My understanding was that these parties are gender-specific.

Gentle reader: Wedding parties also used to be strictly gender-specific, because it was assumed that nonromantic friendships between the genders did not exist. As you are enlightened enough to know how ridiculous this was, Miss Manners hopes that you are also enlightened enough to hold a bachelor party suitable for all your attendants.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

Dear Miss Manners: