She wants to clean up after messy mom

My mom is 90 years old and has had a hoarding/messy home problem, gambling addiction and money issues for the past 25 years.

She is a compulsive shopper and was shopping almost every day when she was driving. Last year, she had a minor car accident that totaled her car, so she does not drive anymore and depends on me to take her for groceries, errands, doctor appointments, etc.

I had to clean out her car, which was so full of stuff that it took me five hours to clean it out. I filled five garbage bags of trash and 12 boxes of stuff.

I have had to “clean up her mess” many times over the years, sometimes at my insistence and sometimes because she needs to let someone into her apartment and they can’t get in because of the mess.

My daughter, who has helped me clean in the past, has good organizational skills and works quickly. She has agreed to help me this weekend. (I have a sister who lives locally but isn’t helpful.)

In the past, mom has told me that my cleaning makes her anxious.

Should I insist she let us do this? Mom’s apartment makes me sick, and I feel so overwhelmed when I am there because it is so bad. I have trouble sleeping because it bothers me so much.

I have tried to get her counseling help in the past, but she only went to a few sessions.

If I clean now, it would be on my terms, but if I don’t force it now and something comes up with her apartment or health, I would be forced to clean it

Dear Amy:

immediately.

She procrastinates until things become urgent with her; then she makes me deal with this urgency.

I want to honor my mother and also be the responsible daughter. Any advice?

— Loving Daughter

At the age of 90, your mother is probably not going to make dramatic steps to change. She might not be physically and emotionally able to deal with her hoarding disorder in any truly substantial way. (Hoarding seems to be related to anxiety, and you should ask her primary care physician about appropriate antianxiety medication that might help.)

Because you seem to be her primary caretaker, I suggest that you take this on — on your terms.

Ask your sister if she can take your mother on errands/outings for the day. Tell your mom that you and her granddaughter are going to handle this for her, and reassure her that when she returns, her home will be much easier to navigate. If your mother isn’t in the space and is instead distracted during the day, she might feel less anxious.

Dear Daughter:

In the past two years, I have given monetary gifts for graduations, birthdays, a bridal shower and a wedding.

I have not received any acknowledgment or thanks for any of these gifts.

At this point, I would settle for two words in a text message: “Thank you.”

Do young people feel so entitled that acknowledging a gift is not necessary?

One of the recipients is

Dear Amy:

now pregnant, and her mother-in-law is throwing a baby shower.

Of course, I’ll be invited. I don’t want to go. Friends have told me that I am being petty. Am I?

— Petty in Maryland

You don’t seem petty, as much as worn out. And I don’t blame you. A natural consequence of this lack of appreciation is that you will be less inspired to keep giving.

My only caution here is that baby showers are intended as celebrations centered on a new baby, who is obviously innocent.

I think it is also time to contact the recipients of these gifts to tell them, “I believe I’ve been generous to you, and I’ve always been happy to celebrate your milestones with gifts. But you have never acknowledged or thanked me for a gift. I’m not sure why this is, but it is quite discouraging.”

Dear Petty:

“Tom, in Los Angeles” expressed extreme distress in where this country is headed. I have to say, I was shocked (pleasantly) by your response. Your first line got me: “I think you should celebrate the freedom we each have to either launch an insurrection or go to the movies.”

Dear Amy: —AFan

Thank you. I’m a huge movie buff — but I also love a good insurrection. Onward!

Dear Fan: Copyright 2020 by Amy Dickinson

Distributed by Tribune Content Agency

My daughter is a high school senior who graduated this year. However, due to the coronavirus, there was no graduation ceremony.

At the beginning of the school year, we ordered graduation announcements that stated the originally scheduled location, date and time of the ceremony. My daughter thinks it’s “stupid” to send them out, since graduation did not happen.

While the ceremony was canceled, my daughter’s graduation is a milestone for her, and I would like to mail the announcements to family and close friends. Is it OK to mail the announcements even though the details regarding the ceremony no longer apply?

Dear Miss Manners:

Your daughter has learned something in addition to her high school studies. It is indeed strange and misleading — “stupid” is a bit harsh — to announce a ceremony that has not taken place. And it is especially tactless to do so over the objections of the person most concerned.

Yes, Miss Manners understands that you are proud of your daughter’s achievement. There are ample ways for you to mention it to everyone whom you believe will be interested without using announcements that would prompt them to think, “So they held a graduation after all? That was foolhardy. I just hope they’re all OK.”

Gentle reader:

Iam expecting my first child in

Dear Miss Manners:

August. What to do about the baby shower? I’m disappointed to miss the chance to gather with our friends and family, and like many couples we would greatly appreciate gifts.

I have seen “virtual” or “remote” showers suggested. One forum even recommended a drive-by shower, where people drop off gifts in the driveway while the couple sit in lawn chairs and wave, like some sort of feudal lord and lady gathering tributes from their subjects!

To me, a baby shower should be an opportunity to celebrate with friends and family, and should include food, drink, entertainment, party favors, conversation and togetherness. Gifts are an optional yet nonnegligible “bonus” of the event. Without the party, a registry seems a purely materialistic grab.

On the other hand, if it were a friend having a baby in this uncertain time, I would eagerly contribute a gift and be the first in the tribute driveby!

What would Miss Manners do?

Aside from not planning her own shower? And aside from reacting in horror, as you do, to the idea of presiding at a sort of viewing stand for the purpose of collecting tributes?

She would be happily anticipating the birth of the baby, secure in the knowledge that friends and family will be even happier to celebrate after that event (and perhaps to bring those keepsakes-tobe).

It should not matter that this will not take the form of a shower. If, by then, people are still not able to pay the customary first visit to a new baby, surely you will want to have virtual visits with them.

Gentle reader: Dear Miss Manners:

What advice do you have for organizers of annual events in light of cancellations brought on by the pandemic?

If I were the organizer of, say, the 75th annual Springfield Souvenir Spoon Show and Swap Meet, I would have already made the difficult decision to cancel the 2020 event. So what do I call the show and swap meet that I am organizing for 2021? Can it still be labeled an annual event, even though we skipped a year? And is it the 75th?

I just canceled that jubilee event! Can we celebrate our 75th show in 2021 and still, in good conscience, proclaim to be an annual event?

While the

COVID-19 pandemic may be new, the reality that unanticipated events will affect the best-laid plans is not. Europe is littered with summer festivals that went on hiatus during World War II, if not for the Fourth Crusade.

Next year’s Spoon Show and Swap Meet will be the

75th, even though it is the

2021 event. Miss Manners reminds you that there are two reasons to explicitly label an event as annual: the hope that when people attend this time, they will put it on the calendar for next year; and the bragging rights of being an institution. The former will, one hopes, have effect again soon. And the footnote around the latter will enhance your reputation by emphasizing your longevity.

Gentle reader: To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.