South Florida Sun-Sentinel (Sunday)
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Spending 24 hours a day under one roof in lockdown can certainly expose the cracks in any marriage. The pandemic has created a tsunami of stress — unemployment, loss of income, grief, loneliness, boredom, uncertainty as well as increased childcare duties due to homeschooling.
It’s enough to test any relationship, and everyone handles it differently. Finding a way to cope is as important as ever, especially since many places in the U.S. are still suffering from the first wave of the virus and may experience a second wave as well. Some couples suffering disconnection and dissatisfaction turn to couples therapy. Others are calling it quits and seeking divorce. Legal Templates, an online contract provider, reports a 34% increase in divorce agreement requests during the pandemic, as compared to the same time last year.
Others are taking a less traditional path: seeking an outside relationship they hope will help preserve their marriage.
Married dating site Ashley Madison, which markets to people in relationships, reports a surge in membership during the pandemic. The site is seeing more than 21,000 new members per day, up from 17,000 per day back in March when the public health crisis began. Ashley Madison reports three Florida cities rank in the top 20 cities for affairs based on their sign-up data at the beginning of the pandemic: No. 1: Miami, No. 2: Orlando and No. 9: Tampa.
The increase in membership led the company to survey members on the effects lockdown has had on their marriages.
The results from these surveys are detailed in a report titled Love Beyond Lockdown, and below are some of the key findings.
Seventy-five per cent of surveyed members said they were having less sex or no sex during the lockdown, and 25% said it was the hardest part of the lockdown for them, harder than not seeing friends. Though some researchers speculated a baby boom due to lockdown, that hasn’t happened. “You need longing for there to be sexual attraction,” says Dr. Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., sex and relationship therapist, author and podcast host. She also noted the additional stress people are experiencing right now isn’t good for attraction or a desire to conceive.
Surveyedmembers reported boredom
(49%), isolation and loneliness (30%), frustration and anger (29%), worry and fear (24%), and anxiety and overwhelm
(24%) as reasons they looked outside their marriage for someone to help them cope.
Decreased socialization during the pandemic has members questioning whether their spouse can be their sole connection. Members report that one person can’t always satisfy all their needs or fulfill every role in their life, such as confidant, friend and lover.
“What I’m seeing is that people have different partners that serve different purposes in their life,” Nelson says.“What Ashley Madison does is offer another type of relationship that serves a sexual need or need for attention or for distraction.”
“But I also see people who have someone who comes in and helps home-school their kids!” she adds. “And the wife might say,‘If you want to sleep with my husband too, I’m fine. I need to go to work….’ People need multiple adults just to make their lives work. It really is taking a village. I don’t think everyone is going to have orgies in their house, but I think we are moving to a more polyamorous structure to add more stability.”
Many of those surveyed who were looking for companionship outside of marriage have adapted to social distancing by making these connections virtually. Texting, phone calls and video chats have replaced in-person meetings for some. However, some members report they are meeting in person, yet try to follow COVID-19 safety protocols, such as getting creative with socially distanced dates (56%), meeting outdoors (11%) and avoiding crowds (36%). Nine percent said they ensured both tested negative for COVID-19 before meeting.
The survey found that 92% of members said they have no intention of filing for divorce once social distancing restrictions are lifted, and they say an outside relationship is to thank for that.
“The vast majority of our members still love their spouse; they don’t want to leave their spouse,” says Paul Keable, chief strategy officer for Ashley Madison.
He explains that many members have had conversations with their spouse in terms of what’s missing and what needs to change for them to feel fulfilled. Yet the partner is either unable, medically in some instances, or unwilling. “We offer a third path,” he says.
“Our members have chosen to not hurt their partner,” Keable adds, “But they are also unwilling to continue on a path that leaves them unfulfilled, usually in an intimate manner. Our goal, more than anything else, is to show that relationships are hard, but they can be maintained and become more successful if you understand what is missing.”
This paid post is produced by Studio 1847, a division of Tribune Publishing Co., on behalf of Ashley Madison. The newsrooms or editorial departments of Tribune Publishing Co. are not involved in the production of this content.