Grieving parents deserve sympathy, help

“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose a child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across theUnited States and around theworld.”

Thosewere thewords PresidentRonald Reagan spoke when he declared October “Pregnancy and Infant LossAwareness Month” in 1988. It’s a pain that’s all too common, as I learned firsthand last year.

Whilewe don’t knowwith certainty, an estimated 10 to 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. And according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, losses after 20weeks of pregnancy account for roughly 24,000 stillbirths every year in the United States.

I lostmy second child tomiscarriage in 2019. Heor shewouldhave turned 1 in October. Instead of celebrating with a cake andpresentsandpictures, my family is instead acutely aware thatsomeoneis missing— that there’s a void; anemptyseat at the table. Goingfromthe hopeful anticipation of anewbaby tothe crushing blowof losswas emotional whiplash. I foundmyself paralyzed with uncertainty because Ihad noideawhatIwas supposedtodonext.

Thankfully, my frantic Googling led meto thewebsite for theHoly Innocents Ministry of the Archdiocese ofBaltimore. It provides resources, comfort and burial for children lost to miscarriage for bereaved parents, regardless of faith background.

Being afforded this familiar grieving ritualwas a critical component tomy healing, and helped the loss feel less abstract. And I’m grateful thatmy doctor immediately providedmewith information for a local counseling service that specializes in perinatal and pediatric bereavement.

Everyone processes loss differently, of course, and I knowmy needs aren’t exactly the same as another person’s. But anecdotally, I knowthat the resources and support I receivedwould have been appreciated by other bereaved parentswhodid not receive similar encouragement. As a society, we can do somuchmore to meet the needs of bereaved parents.

While some hospitals have protocols in place for pregnancy losses and offer burials and memorial services or automatic referrals to local funeral providers, many parents are left reeling fromthe loss and have no idea what their options are.

Health care professional can undergo continuing educational development to learn specifically about howto interact with patients experiencing loss in a health care setting, butmany of these professionals aren’t aware that such classes and programs exist.

In the medical community, developing best practices for assisting parentswho have lost or are in the process of losing their pregnancy canmake aprofound difference in a bereaved parent’s experience.

As individuals, we can do our part to help our friends and loved ones to not feel alone in their grief. Out of discomfort or fear of saying the wrong thing or uncertainty about howsomeone will react, it may be tempting to say silent. But a simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” canmake a painful and isolating experience just a little bit less lonely.

Millions of families across the country face the profound sadness of pregnancy and infant loss. Sometimes it’s prompted by a milestone, and sometimes by nothing at all. Let’s resolve to let our friends and family knowthat they are not alone in their grief and that their child’s life, no matter howbrief, mattered.

Earlier this year Iwas blessed to welcome a daughter – my third baby, and second one to hold earthside. The night before I left for the hospital to meet her, my husbandwas doing some lastminute tidying around the house. He came across the ultrasound photo of our lost little one — a photo I had regrettably misplaced months before.

I knowthe timingwasn’t pure coincidence. And I knew that itwas okay to feel simultaneous sadness for the childwe lost while feeling excitement for the onewe were about towelcome to theworld.

To every personwhohaswalked this road, whether itwas recent ormany, many years ago, I see you and I amso very sorry for your loss. Your grief is valid. And your little one’s life, however brief, mattered.