Couple struggles to rekindle the spark

Dear Amy: I got back together with a girlfriend after being separated for 14 years. During that time, we kept in contact, and both often wondered ifwe called it quits too soon.

Nowwe are back together, obviously different people from those first years together, and this has caused some heated arguments, disagreements and more.

Her communication style is blunt, straightforward, unapologetic, and can be perceived as mean. My communication style is the exact opposite, and this too is causing a rift between us. We have only been living together for two months.

I am unsure of where to go from here. I love her deeply, and I know she loves me. I truly want us towork out, but I have to admit that Iwonder ifwe are wasting our time trying to rekindle a flame that has burned out.

Iwould consider therapy. What would you suggest?

— Unsure

Dear Unsure: If you are open to couples counseling, then absolutely try it.

Different communication styles can cause smaller rifts to deepen, but once you learn to communicate more effectively with each other, intimacy will definitely deepen.

Does your girlfriend want to communicate differently? Does she want to engage by listening, even if she doesn’t agree with what you are saying? Can you learn to accept her bluntness, as long as it isn’t sarcastic or mean-spirited? What is the personal “cost” to both of you for staying in this relationship?

These are all questions to take to a counselor. Start as soon as you can, while your insights and desire to change are still fresh.

Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com) offers a helpful database of therapists, organized by specialties and geographical location, although location is no longer a deal breaker, because somany therapists will work with clients remotely.

For some insight into how one therapist works, I recommend the documentary series, “Couples Therapy,” streaming on Amazon Prime.

Dear Amy: My former wife and Iwere married for almost 30 years.

Eight years ago, she informed me that she wanted to change careers and move to a different part of the country. For many different reasons, I chose not to followher on her new path, andwe went through an amicable divorce. My ex and I have had few but always cordial contact via telephone and text message. We have no children, and therewas never any expectation that we would reconcile.

Six years ago, I developed a relationship with anotherwoman. I told her about my new relationship, and she seemed happy for me.

Three months ago, my new wife and I got married.

Aweek or two aftermy wedding, I texted my ex to let her know.

Her reply was curt and painful. Itwas along the lines of, “I thought we had an agreement that you would tell me before you got married. I don’t think there’s any reason for us to have any future communications.”

Id on’t know how to deal with this brush-off, or whether I should even try.

I do not believe I ever agreed to let her know before I got remarried. But even if I did, her response seems like itwas intended to hurt me.

— Confused

Dear Confused: I can’t speak to your ex-wife’s intentions, but to me it seems that she is more focused on expressing her own wounded feelings, versus trying to hurt you.

You could definitely retaliate and defend yourself against her accusation. But if that is your instinct, I think you should suppress it and simply let her statement stand, respecting her choice not to be in touch.

However, youmight feel better about this episode if you replied to her calmly, kindly, and honestly. You might text her, “I am genuinely sorry and sad about your reaction to the news of my wedding. You are an important part ofmy history andmy life, and I had hoped to stay friends.”

Dear Amy: “Faithful” presented a chilling account of the ways her boyfriend is constantly suspicious and surveilling her.

Iwas relieved that you picked up on how creepy thiswas and urged her to leave the relationship.

— Been There

DearBeenThere: A person’s narrative often reveals context that they don’t seem to see. This is one reason telling your own story is so important.

Copyright 2020 by Amy Dickinson