South Florida Sun-Sentinel (Sunday)
Decline an invitation if you don’t want to purchase gift
DearMissManners:
My lovely wife and I have celebrated 48 years of marriage. We had a fairly smallwedding, thoughwe invited about 200 guests. Half of themwere to come frommy fiancee’s hometown, with the other half mostly couplesmy parents knew. Only about eight guestswere friends of mine.
Neithermy wife nor I were, or are now, in the same social circle as most of these people. Only about 22 people frommy parents’ list showed up. Fromthe others: no show, no gifts, no regrets and noRSVPs.
Over the years, we have received invitations to children’s and grandchildren’s baptisms, bar mitzvahs, confirmations andweddings, although we are still not in the same social circles as these people. Many years ago, I started giving inexpensive “invitation trays” as gifts for these events. My wife thinks I should get a more expensive gift fromtheir registries.
My argument is: Why, exactly, should I purchase an expensive gift for people I don’t know, whenno one in their family acknowledgedmy existencewhen Iwas married? Theonly time I ever hear fromthem iswhentheywant a gift.
Gentle reader: Contrary to popular belief, cost and graciousness are not, to borrowyour phrase, in the same social circle. So if you are going to contextualize the question as you did, MissManners instead asks,“Why should you purchase a gift at all, expensive or otherwise?”
You need only decline these invitations.
Whether their current behavior is as gift-grubbing as you believe, or a genuine attempt to reconnect a tenuous relationship, will be hard to assess if you never attend.
I findmyself occasionally asked about what church I attend or invited to attend someone’s church that I have no interest in. I considermy beliefs to be private, and I definitely don’twant to get into a religious discussion about my beliefs or listen to an explanation of someone else’s religion. Howdo I politely get out of the conversation?
Gentlereader: “Thank you, your church sounds lovely. Iamhappy with my current one, and if you don’t mind, consider religion a private matter. But tellme, howis your career in politics going?”
DearMissManners: DearMissManners:
When awoman asks a man over to dinner, is it good manners for the man to say, “I am too busy to come eat, but I will take your leftovers”? I think it is really poor manners, but another lady I knowsays it depends on howgood of friends you are. I say it is just wrong.
Gentle reader: Unless thiswomanworks at a drive-thru or a charity, this counter-suggestion is insulting and unacceptable, no matter howgood the friend.
MissManners suggests that the hostess answer, “Iwas asking in order to enjoy your company, not for the chance to cook, but thank you. Perhapswe can reschedule when you have more time.” The second sentence is optional.
DearMissManners: Whether it’swork or personal email, often the person I’vemessaged has answered a question I didn’t ask, or only answered one in a list of many (separated for clarification). Howcan I politely say, “Go back and actually read the email I just sent you”?
I amhaving to interact multiple times simply because they have not read the content carefully. I don’t appreciatewasting my time or having to repeat myself, and it is negatively affecting theway I view these people.
Gentle reader: The frustration of talking to someone who is not listening predates email, as does the solution: repeating yourself until you get a response— with as much patience as you can muster. Miss Manners realizes this is an imperfect answer, so she appends her own sympathy, and offers a shortcut: copy and paste.
DearMissManners:
Is it polite to correct peoplewhosay “real-ator” instead of “Realtor,” or “nu-cu-lar” instead of “nuclear”? Or is it totally inappropriate? I amnot perfect, but these bother me.
Gentle reader: Are any of these people in charge of nuclear codes?
Pronouncing thewords accurately oneself is the only politeway Miss Manners recommends to correct someonewhois not your child, student or direct report, orwhois not about to look like a fool in public.
To send a question to the MissManners team of JudithMartin, Nicholas IvorMartin and Jacobina Martin, go to miss manners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.