Couple’s response to simple question leaves kid baffled

Dear Miss Manners: Iama

13-year-old girl in a small ethnic community, and am part of the community’s children’s choir. Our choir instructor, who is in her

mid-20s, is getting married in a few months.

I bumped into her and her fiance at a religious event, and after saying hello and asking how they were, I also asked them, “How is wedding planning going?”

Instantly they both got angry and said my question was very rude.

My intention was to be polite and make small talk. I promise I wasn’t fishing for an invite or anything like that. The only reason I even asked is because she has spoken about her wedding in front of our choir before.

Was my generic question truly rude? I really don’t think it was, but I am no longer sure.

After they criticized me, I apologized and walked away stunned. I’m not sure what to think now.

Gentle reader: Although Miss Manners is hesitant to tell a young adult that her elders will not always be right, she does so now in recognition that you would have discovered this yourself soon enough.

Next time, you will also realize that their united vehemence did not demonstrate that they were correct, but rather that the wedding planning was not going well.

Iam not happy at all about COVID-19, but I confess that I am happy that no

Dear Miss Manners:

one has invited themselves over to my house lately.

In the past, I have had many guests who just announce that they are visiting, and no amount of hints get through to them. I do like day guests very much, but not overnight guests, as I hate to cook. I also have a health condition that can cause fatigue.

Mostly, I am an introvert and don’t like people invading my space for long periods. I am afraid that when the virus is no longer a threat, potential guests will resume their uninvited visits.

I have tried saying, “I’d love to see you on ‘X’ day, but I think you’d be happier in ‘Y’ hotel for nighttime.” Then the response is, “Oh, but I would feel so much more comfortable being casual and visiting longer!”

I have tried saying, “I am happy to see you, but I don’t cook.” Then they say, “I’ll cook!” but then they make a mess in my kitchen and I end up cleaning for hours.

I know I shouldn’t have to give an excuse, because excuses like my health issue just invite more unwanted, prying questions or well-meaning “solutions.”

I always prefer to stay in a hotel when I am visiting friends in another town. How do I get them to stay in a hotel?!

Gentle reader: Presumably you sort of like these pushy people, as you do want to see them occasionally (after the pandemic). So you will have to stop hinting and start making yourself clear.

It is not impolite for a potential host to state the terms for a visit. Nor need you be defensive when guests presume to do so. Miss Manners has a few phrases for you to memorize:

“I’m sorry, I’m not having overnight guests. But if you are staying in town, I’d love to see you.” You need not offer an excuse, but if you feel you need one, turn your guest room into a gym, a sewing room or a pet menagerie, so you can state as much.

“I can’t do lunch/dinner, but please come to tea.” That involves only boiling water and putting out a snack.

“You know, I’ve gotten used to virtual visits; it seems that they are so much more focused. So please let me know when you’d be free to have one.”

Dear Miss Manners: I was involved in a conversation with a stranger at the grocery store. She gave me a compliment, I thanked her and we began to chat while picking out ears of corn.

The issue is that this nice lady made a derogatory racial comment. I am still stumped. I know how to handle this situation with a friend or family member, but I am stumped on how to correct a complete stranger without causing a scene.

Gentle reader: Your new friend is apparently not as nice as you had hoped. Miss Manners is pleased to hear that you already know how to deal with such comments from friends and family, as she considers that to be more difficult. Dissolving a friendship of four seconds is easy: Give a forced smile and drift away to dry goods.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.