Ultimatums challenge family’s relationship with brother’s wife

Dear Miss Manners: My brother’s wife absolutely hates his ex-girlfriend, and verbally states so at every given opportunity. She does so using vulgar terms, regardless of who is around — my children, my parents, other family members, complete strangers.

This now-married couple began their relationship while they were both in other live-in relationships. They would lie to their partners about where they were and who they were with. My brother kept it secret from our family for years while they cheated together, and when it all came out, there were messy breakups. The two of them have now been married about two years. They have a lot of trust issues with one another, and they do not have a peaceful marriage.

We all got along very well with my brother’s ex-girlfriend, and I still value her friendship. My brother’s wife told me to tell my mom that if we do “anything nice” for the ex-girlfriend that it would be showing her disrespect, and that she is “putting us on notice.”

The ex-girlfriend, who is now happily married and expecting her first child, remains a dear friend. She is kind and loving, and has done no wrong in all of this. My brother has often asked me what I think of his wife, and Miss Manners, I am at a loss as to how to respond. I have told him, “I don’t know her well enough to answer that yet.”

How do I shut down the ultimatums and let my brother’s wife know that I do not wish to fight with her? How do I politely tell my brother what I think without hurting him or pushing him away? He is asking what I think of her so often that I don’t think he believes my line anymore.

Gentle reader: Although she does not know your brother, Miss Manners agrees that he does not believe your feelings for your sister-in-law are neutral. This is not a problem, but an opportunity, as your sister-in-law is clearly not someone with whom you can have a civil conversation about the ex-girlfriend.

The answer to your brother is that you really want to love your sister-inlaw as you know he does, “but her ultimatums about the ex make it a challenge.” This may be more subtle than the quid pro quos to which your brother has become accustomed, but for that reason, it is less likely to damage your relationship with him.

Dear Miss Manners: I have a friend who recently changed her look pretty drastically. She likes it: It’s cute, sassy and low-maintenance, the trifecta!

She works in an office where there are repeat clients that she’s known for some time. A surprising number of them think it’s OK to comment negatively on her new look: “You butchered your hair!” “Oh! What does your husband think?” and more.

Whatever happened to “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”? Any advice for something polite but pointed so she can indicate that some of these comments are unkind and unnecessary?

Gentle reader: “Oh, I am sorry to hear that. I love it and think that I will keep it, if you don’t mind.”

Dear Miss Manners: It seems that Cobb and chopped salads are now on menus everywhere, and are as beautiful to look at as they are delicious to eat. My dilemma is how to eat them. Does one toss it in one’s plate, so each bite contains a sample of a few ingredients? There usually isn’t a lot of room on the plate to do this neatly.

I drizzle a bit of dressing and eat a little from each section, working my way around the plate, adding dressing as needed once I reach the lower layers. But what is the preferred method?

Gentle reader: When it comes to giant salads fitted in small bowls, one’s life — and dry-cleaning bill — is in one’s own hands. Your method is as good as any.

Miss Manners suggests you approach it like an archaeological dig, skillfully swirling and consolidating the further you approach the bottom. If it is any consolation, at least chopped and Cobb salads have the courtesy of coming in bite-sized pieces. Their cruel sibling, the wedge salad, is not so generous.

Dear Miss Manners: Is it more personal to use “to” or “for” (as in “A Gift For You”) on a gift tag?

Gentle reader: Although she prefers to write “for,” Miss Manners is not one to quibble with good intentions and generous actions, especially those directed toward herself.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.