Correct the spelling but accept the nicknames used by family

Miss Manners

Dear Miss Manners: My twins are 2 ½. My brother and sister-in-law (who are delightful and lovely, and with whom we get along well) call my son by a nickname that we never use — think Tom for Thomas — and misspell my daughter’s name — think Anne for Ann.

We hardly ever see them because they live far away, so I haven’t said anything about it. I’ve rather been hoping that they’ll pick up the right name and spelling in our conversations, but so far, it hasn’t happened.

We’re going to see them soon, though, and I’d prefer that they get it right. They also have two young children, and they may need a little time to get used to hearing and using the right names. (Not so worried about how the preschoolers spell.) I’d also like to embarrass them as little as possible.

Is there a polite way to say, “We don’t actually call him that,” and “We actually spell it this way”? I’m probably overthinking this, but I don’t want to make them feel bad.

Gentle reader: Correct spelling may be a battle you can win. Nicknames, unfortunately, are not.

Miss Manners suggests that you save your energy for the former — because you and your twins will spend the rest of your lives sustaining it for the latter. Nicknames are almost impossible to guard against — at any stage of life.

For the moment, however, she suggests that you proceed with correcting those preschoolers.

It is much more socially acceptable, and even expected, for you to help them spell things. They can also be a major asset down the line by correcting their parents — a job that they will no doubt relish, and abuse, in your stead.

Dear Miss Manners: Last year, I did a great deal of home renovation projects. I found myself constantly astonished at the number of contractors and skilled workers who never responded to my inquiries requesting estimates for the work to be done.

This included contractors who had come to the house and discussed the work, but then never responded again. I have heard the same story from other friends as well. Do these people not understand that they are running a business?

Now I’m in the position of needing a contractor to return and follow up on a problem that he thought he had solved. Plus, there is an item that I offered to give him, but that he never picked up.

I gave this contractor over $100,000 worth of work and I have received no response after two inquiries. I’ve been tempted to write again with a snide comment on the order of: “After all the work and money I gave you, you can’t follow up on my request?” But perhaps Miss Manners can provide a more polite and effective way of eliciting a response.

Gentle reader: While she agrees that contractors and workers who do not respond to inquiries for estimates are rude and poor business people, Miss Manners bars the teaching of manners by civilians. You will therefore have to settle for an admonition that you are disappointed that they do not have time for new business.

Such a communication need not be limited to the contractor — it can be shared with his or her supervisor and the inevitable follow-up from the company’s sales department about your level of satisfaction.

The situation with the contractor you have already worked with is different: He has failed to provide the contracted service, and can be pursued with all the tools and energy available to aggrieved customers.

Dear Miss Manners: A friend’s wedding was postponed from last spring due to COVID-19. I had RSVP’d yes before positive cases in my state soared.

I have now rescinded my RSVP, because the event is unsafe. The bride is angry and doesn’t believe the deadly pandemic is real. Should I still send a gift?

Gentle reader: Whether you should want to send a present will depend on how significant a rift was caused when you told the bride that she was endangering people’s lives.

It was once enough for Miss Manners to point out that doing so is not more polite simply because it is true. This was in the days when public health pronouncements were made by trained officials to the public (for whom there was always an exception to the above rule), rather than the other way around.

It remains true that the bride is unlikely to take the news well. A present might heal the rift, and you can even order it online while you are on the telephone discouraging Grandma from attending.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.