Rejecting hand-me-downs doesn’t mean rejecting friend

Dear Miss Manners: Last year I started an annual, seasonal job that I will be returning to soon. I got on especially well with my desk neighbor, as we have a lot in common. For example, we are both highly sensitive to fragrances and things like shirt tags and sock seams. We also share a propensity for saving items that most people would discard, like cardboard boxes, in case we might find a use for them at a later date.

One day, I walked into work and saw two very outdated shirts on her desk. She announced she had no use for them and brought them in to see if I might want them. At the time, I thought my reply would surely be approved by Miss Manners. It was something like:

“Thank you for thinking of me. I always appreciate an offer of free clothes, and that is indeed a very high-quality brand. In fact, I, too, have a shirt of that brand that I never wear, but cannot bring myself to get rid of. Ha ha! Unfortunately, I have to be honest and admit I would never wear them, as I wear T-shirts for comfort everywhere but the office, and I really cannot pull off wearing that color. I would hate for these good-quality shirts to be wasted when they may be exactly what someone shopping at a thrift store is looking for. I do really appreciate the offer, though.”

Two or three co-workers overheard the exchange, and I suspect they thought I was just being tactful (or pompous). But as a fellow pack-rat, I know how important it feels to have items be put to good use.

I almost immediately regretted my response. I fear that I may have squashed a sprouting friendship. I hope that when we return, we may become friends, or at least lunch buddies. It may well have been no big deal to her, but I don’t want to be obliviously friendly if she is inwardly bothered. Should I just casually comment that I hope she found a good home for those shirts and I regret not having use for them and that was really nice of her to offer them? Or should I just let what happened in 2020 stay in 2020?

Gentle reader: The latter. Even if your co-worker had nothing better to brood about during a pandemic year, you have no evidence of her being offended.

If anyone was looking for insult, it might be you. “These don’t meet my standards, but maybe yours are lower” is not a present and does not have to be treated as such. Not that Miss Manners is looking for a fight, or trying to negate your response. If you detect pouting and resentment, you can try offering your casual approach of bringing it up again. But otherwise, steer clear of it — and of her future efforts to clean house.

Dear Miss Manners: Our son and daughter-in-law, who are expecting their first child, live in Europe, whereas the rest of our extended family lives in the United States. Relatives have started sending gifts to us to forward to them abroad. There are no explanations with the packages, just the assumption that we will ship their gifts overseas.

Is this our responsibility? If not, how do we handle what I suspect is going to be an ongoing situation? Case in point, we just received an annual family calendar with their names on it.

Gentle reader: As the latter is a recurring present, you might inform the giver now that they have the wrong address and avoid subsequent mis-deliveries. As for the rest, Miss Manners strongly encourages you to tell your son and daughter-in-law to send out baby announcements with their European address clearly marked.

For those items already in your possession, you can also make this the new parents’ problem. They can: A) figure out how to have them sent or B) leave enough room in their luggage to bring them back when they visit.

Or — and this may be the most likely solution — you may get their agreement to keep them at your house, as they probably already have everything they need for the baby back home. Then your grandchild will have lovely things at your house when they come visit. If your local friends notice that the presents are still with you, you may always say that solutions A and B are still in process.

Dear Miss Manners: When is the proper time to light the candles on the dinner table? And when should I extinguish the candles?

Gentle reader: 1. After dark, so that people can see what they are eating. 2. When dinner is over.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.