Sloppy in-laws aren’t going to change after all these years

Dear Miss Manners: I have been married to my husband for 35 years, and his siblings treat our home with no respect.

We live in a modest home, by our own choice: There are just the two of us, no children, and we believe in leaving a smaller footprint. We could afford a home three times larger, but plan to stay and be as environmentally conscious as possible.

I am a professional interior designer, so our furnishings, artwork and accessories have all been selected with care, and with the effort to make our small home warm and welcoming.

Yet when the in-laws arrive, they treat our home as if we lived in a dump. They put their feet on the furniture, drop food on the carpet and make no effort to pick it up, spill wine on bedspreads and leave wet glasses on wood tabletops. Then they leave when the dinner, brunch or whatever is over, with no offer made to help clean up.

I don’t mind the cleanup so much, since they are not careful with dishes and have on numerous occasions thrown silverware into the trash. I would rather do it myself to avoid any broken or lost utensils.

Why would they treat our home with no respect — or more importantly, treat us with no respect? I get frustrated and angry because my husband never says a word.

I guess my question is twofold: Why the lack of respect, and why won’t my husband speak up?

Gentle reader: Because he grew up with these people’s household habits, and therefore sees only habitual sloppiness where you see disrespect. Omitting the malicious motivation will not remove the wine stains from your bedspread — what will? — but removing the anger will help you deal with this situation.

You say you don’t mind cleaning up — really? Miss Manners would think you would make that easier by covering tables with trays or coasters and using old bedspreads. Their visits are not the time to display your decorating skills.

And instead of expecting your husband to speak up, couldn’t he just clean up?

Dear Miss Manners: My co-worker is an enthusiastic crafter who delights in sharing her creations. While this is most generous, she will often preface the presentation with the statement that she doesn’t charge.

She has never been asked to craft anything for myself or anyone else in the office. We always graciously accept her offerings, since to do otherwise would greatly offend, but her statement is confusing and we never know quite how to respond.

She is a sweet, goodhearted person, and we never want to hurt her feelings. She is quite proud of her accomplishments, as well she should be. But I also do not want to accumulate, much less pay for, items that will not be displayed in my home, as we do not share the same decorating taste. How should one respond?

Gentle reader: We all pride ourselves on being clever, but Miss Manners notes that sometimes it is better not to be too insightful.

If your co-worker says she is not charging, perhaps to skirt any rules about peddling in the office, then you are not expected to pay. And if reasonable attempts to dissuade her (“It’s so kind of you, but please do not think you need to do all this work — it’s too much”) fail, there is always the closet or the trash can.

Dear Miss Manners: Iamin a wheelchair, so I must use the accessible restroom when out in public. On at least four occasions, I have waited a long time for the only stall I can use, while an able-bodied person (obvious when they exit) has been in the stall on their cellphone.

The worst was at the airport, where there were about 20 stalls — all empty except the one I needed — and an employee was in there. One can see through the crack that someone is in there on their phone.

Is it OK to speak up and ask them to move to another stall?

Gentle reader: And thereby admit that you’re peeking at them through the crack?

Miss Manners has the utmost sympathy for this predicament and agrees that able-bodied people using your only accessible bathroom as office space is terrible. However, given the choice between which practice is more impolite — theirs or being spied on in the bathroom — she is afraid that you still would lose. Nevertheless, if you said in a loud voice to no one in particular, “Oh, no, you go ahead; I am waiting for the accessible stall,” Miss Manners would back you up.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.