Ignore the ‘no gifts’ request, but don’t bring it to the party

Dear Miss Manners: A former teacher of mine, a beloved figure in the community, is being given a surprise retirement party by his students, colleagues and friends. The hushhush invitations read sternly, “PLEASE, NO GIFTS! A money tree will be provided!”

The rationale is that given his modest salary, he will need the money to help him retire, rather than the “clutter” of presents.

I very much want to attend and honor this man; however, I am bothered by a dictate that shuns individual gifts for a crass financial payout. Also, I can hardly believe that he would sanction this, particularly as he taught us that money should never be a motivating factor in our lives.

Would it be rude of me to forgo the request for a financial contribution and bring an actual gift to the party, along with my sincerest wishes for a happy and healthy retirement? Incidentally, his contributions to my life have been priceless.

Gentle reader: It perplexes Miss Manners when hosts neglect core duties — providing the food and drink is a common one — only to assume others: in this case, bullying the guests about a gesture that should be both personal and optional. Just stop it.

When it happens anyway, you are free to thank your host and say that you have already taken care of getting him a present. But better to put the gift in the mail than to draw attention by bringing it with you to the party.

Dear Miss Manners: I had a group of co-workers over for dinner and one of the women brought a delicious chocolate cake for dessert. As we were finishing dessert, a neighbor dropped over.

She sat down at the dinner table and I poured her a glass of wine. She reached over and took a piece of candy that was sitting on top of the cake — and I was OK with that, as her fingers only touched what she was eating. Then she took some frosting off the cake with her finger. I think she saw my eyebrow raise, as she then went and got a spoon.

Knowing she can’t eat gluten, I did not offer her a piece of cake, but she kept using the spoon to eat the frosting. You get the picture: Spoon in the frosting, spoon in the mouth. Spoon in the frosting, spoon in the mouth. She ate almost all the frosting off of the remaining half of the cake.

I ended up throwing away the rest of the cake, as I didn’t want anyone catching a cold if she had one, and who wants cake with just a little frosting?

I know what she did was wrong. What I don’t know is how I could have politely said to stop.

I didn’t want to make a scene and embarrass her. My other guests were silent, but I think they were as puzzled as I was. How do you stop that behavior politely?

Gentle reader: Some problems — like avoiding oncoming trains — can best be solved with quick, decisive action. Smile; say, “The frosting really is delicious, isn’t it?” and follow it with “Let me help you with that.”

Then take the cake away. In the kitchen, cut off as much frosting as you can spare, put it on a separate plate, and set the plate before your unsanitary guest. (The cake itself can be left in the kitchen or moved to a more distant part of the table.)

This will allow you to save some of the cake while appearing to be the good host/hostess. And as an added bonus, Miss Manners assures you of the admiration of your other guests, who were no doubt feeling the same revulsion as yourself.

Iama student living on campus. When I am having a conversation with someone and an acquaintance walks by, I usually wave or smile at the other person; this seems preferable to pretending not to see someone.

However, when I was speaking to a friend the other day, and she waved to someone else, I felt that she wasn’t listening to what I was saying.

What is the correct way to respond? If we were on the street, the unlikelihood of running into an acquaintance would, I think, make acknowledgment proper, but on a campus, it’s likely that we would see each other again very soon.

Dear Miss Manners:

Gentle reader: A very modest addition to your usual behavior will solve the problem: A quick “Sorry” when you turn back to the speaker should be sufficient to acknowledge that no rudeness was intended to anyone. Miss Manners prefers this to the other option: pretending not to notice the world around you.