Criticizing a grown sibling: ‘you’re mean’ won’t cut it

Dear Miss Manners: My older sister is a mean, opinionated, bossy person. To keep the peace, as children and into adulthood, I deflected or ignored her cruel actions or remarks.

The breaking point came when my 8-yearold daughter and I were invited by her and her husband to stay with them (as a rent-paying “guest”) during my divorce.

I was hoping that we could develop a loving family bond, and that it would be good for my daughter to have the support of family.

I was wrong.

My sister and her husband looked for every opportunity to correct and lecture my daughter and myself. Towards the end of our stay, my daughter hid in our shared bedroom to avoid facing them.

I am mad at myself for being so naive and exposing my daughter to their cruelty during a time of hardship. Now, I limit my interaction with my sister and keep conversations superficial.

I know your advice is to not correct others’ bad behavior. But I want to let her have it and tell her what a horrible person she has been to me, and to my daughter. She deserves it, as she is clueless. How can someone change their behavior if no one tells them it is wrong?

Gentle reader: They cannot, but Miss Manners never banned correcting other people’s behavior in all situations and all relationships. Parents correct children. Teachers correct students. Spouses and other intimates ... express their concerns — at the right time and in a polite manner.

What she seeks to ban is self-appointed, and often uninformed, “manners police” causing a ruckus.

What, then, to say to your sister? You may take offense at specific infractions — asking, for example, that your sister not take that tone with you (when she does). You may, privately, have a discussion about mutual respect. Or, if it has reached that point, you may break off relations.

At no point may you tell her that she is mean, opinionated and bossy, not only because it is rude (even if true), but because it will not persuade her to change her behavior.

Dear Miss Manners: Over a century ago, when my grandmother had a heart attack, she collected her children and their spouses together and distributed her valuables, as she did not want to be bothered with writing a will.

When she gave her jewelry to her daughters, she said that she would like to see them wear it while she was still alive. When she gave pieces to her sons, on the other hand, she said that the pieces were for their children — no mention of seeing their wives wearing any of it.

Throughout the years, my mother and her siblings have debated if her intention was to snub her daughters-in-law or to convey the message that these pieces were to stay in the family.

They (and us, the grandchildren) have decided to be charitable and assume she just wanted to make sure the pieces stayed in the family.

To that point, if a family member needed to sell one of these pieces, it was offered first to the family.

Now I am a mother of two sons, and a grandmother to several boys and girls. I own several of these pieces of jewelry, either through inheritance from my mother or through buying them from my cousins.

What is the most diplomatic way to give these to my daughters-in-law to enjoy in my lifetime and at the same time ensure they stay in the family? My sons are aware of the family tradition, but one of my DILs has made it clear she believes my grandmother’s intention was to snub her daughters-in-law and that, once gifted to her, she will do with them as she pleases.

Gentle reader: Interesting as the backstory is, your daughter-in-law has made your decision easy. You want the jewelry to stay in the family, but you cannot really enforce that once it leaves your possession.

So do not give any to the defiant daughter-inlaw. If she objects, you can explain that it is important to you to honor your grandmother’s desire that it remain in the family.

You can think (but not say) that it might also honor your grandmother’s desire to insult daughtersin-law.

Dear Miss Manners: Please tell me, during what months is it appropriate to wear boots?

Gentle reader: Whenever your feet would otherwise get wet. Miss Manners is not a weather forecaster, but she suggests you consult one.