Should management address trouble in building’s alley?

Dear Miss Manners: Alongside my apartment building, just under my bedroom window, there is a large dumpster for 20 residents. It is emptied two days per week, but until it is emptied, it is often sloppily overflowing with trash. The trash is also regularly on TOP of the dumpster instead of in it, even when there is room inside, and of course it smells.

Strangers often play a part in this problem as they approach the dumpster, rip open bags and pull out trash in search of redeemable 5-cent bottles. They then either leave the ripped bags askew or take them with them for storage, further destroying an already unsightly area with the mess they’ve left behind.

Along with this, two men have taken to using the same decrepit area to fix their cars on a daily basis. When doing so, I can hear drilling, see spotlights and smell solvents, gasoline, etc. I do not know if they live in the units or not, nor if the management office knows about this makeshift auto body shop.

Should I mention it or not? I have already told management about smokers in the building (because of my health problems), and loud music that would start at 11:30 p.m. I am a fly-under-the-radar kind of person, but I feel I have legitimate concerns. Would I be viewed as a troublemaker if I mentioned these things?

Gentle reader: You will definitely be viewed as a troublemaker. But Miss Manners would have asked a different question. Namely, “Is this not precisely the sort of trouble that building management is paid to address?”

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I are moving to a small, charming city very popular with tourists. In the past, we have hosted guests in our small condo there, and we expect to continuing welcoming visitors to our slightly larger home. As we will now be locals, I plan to get involved in organizations and activities.

When we have guests, is it permissible for me to encourage them to do some activities on their own? We would provide them with a car, and spend part of every day with them, but now that we will no longer be visitors ourselves, I’d rather encourage our guests to be more independent. Is there a way to do that without being rude?

Gentle reader: It may not have occurred to you, but Miss Manners assures you that even the most grateful guests wonder how they can have some time on their own without seeming rude. It is up to you, as hosts, to set the schedule, explaining when you have time to be with them, and asking if they want suggestions about what to do in their free time.

Dear Miss Manners: My friend is standing up in my wedding. Can I dictate to her that I don’t want her to dye her hair bright purple or red? I am very conservative and would like the pictures to reflect a certain decorum. Thank you for any help you can provide.

Gentle reader: Sorry. Miss Manners can be of no help whatsoever with your desire to redecorate someone you supposedly cherish, in the interest of falsifying her in your wedding pictures.

Dear Miss Manners: The great debate over how to properly address women continues, especially in the South. But rather than ask Miss Manners to plant her feet firmly on either side of that fence, my question is:

If a woman has clearly stated that she does not like being addressed as “ma’am,” “Ms. First Name” or “young lady,” is it OK for the other person to continue addressing her those ways, simply because it’s “regional” or “how they were raised”?

Gentle reader: Exactly what would be accomplished by addressing a lady in a manner that she has specifically stated she dislikes? It is true that Miss Manners loses patience with the raw feelings that prompt people to take offense when well-meaning people address them. There are so many forms in use that it is easy to arouse the ire of someone who, for example, objects to such a respectful title as “ma’am.”

Still, deliberately annoying someone who has warned you only makes the situation worse.

Dear Miss Manners: Is it OK to ask, on a first date, “What kind of car do you drive?”

Gentle reader: Only if it is in order to identify it when they pick you up for a second one.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.