High achiever seeks advice on graciously resisting comparisons

Dear Miss Manners: I’m about to graduate from college. While attending school, I have worked multiple jobs at a time, volunteered, participated in extracurriculars, done research and ultimately will graduate in the expected amount of time for my degree.

It was hard and stressful, and I never got the same social experience that most of my peers did, but it paid off. I’ve had a good job lined up for months in my desired field, in a location I couldn’t be happier about. I try not to flaunt this, but it does come up in normal conversation with classmates, friends and family, especially when discussing post-graduation plans.

I often hear things like, “Your resume is going to be so great — I can only put silly things on mine,” or, “I was nowhere near as successful as you. I wish I could do it over again.”

These are good people who shouldn’t be putting themselves down. I believe that a compliment should always be graciously accepted, but in cases like these, I’m at a loss. How do I respond without implying that I agree with their disparaging comments about themselves?

Gentle reader: Such compliments are common, perhaps because the giver does not realize how ungracious comparisons are. Miss Manners does not, however, find them challenging to answer: “Thank you; I’m sure your resume is impressive.”

Dear Miss Manners: I used to be a dog walker, and I really like dogs. When we are out for a hike and I see someone approaching with a dog, I have the urge to say hi to the animal.

Is this impolite? I guess the normal thing is to address the person and say “Cute dog” — but that’s really not what I feel like doing. What about saying hi to both the person and the dog? I guess I should say hi to the person first, but the dog is usually in front. Alternatively, is it weird if I tell my friend, “What a cute dog!” within hearing of the owner? I’m just kind of shy and don’t want to interrupt people when they’re exercising.

Gentle reader: “Cute dog!” said — or shouted — to the owner in passing is perfectly fine, as long as there is no expectation that the interaction go further.

In that case, Italians, adept in the art of combining the pragmatic with the sentimental, have a phrase that we would do well to adopt: “E buono?” or “Is he good?” Miss Manners supposes that Americans will take issue with questioning a dog’s morality, but it is meant to protect the prospective petter from a precarious temperament. And not necessarily that of the dog.

Dear Miss Manners: My mother and I each received a Wi-Fi photo frame from my sister-in-law. She knows we have a new grandchild/great-grandchild on the way, and she wanted us to be able to get photos of them through the frame. How thoughtful, right?

While we’ve expressed our thanks for her thoughtfulness, neither of us wants the gift. It seems like just one more device to set up, maintain and clutter up our homes. We really don’t want to bother with all that. So we sent a thankyou without mentioning that we didn’t like it.

Now she keeps asking us to let her know when the frames are set up so she can start sending pics of my grandnieces. How do we politely let her know that’s not going to happen?

Gentle reader: We don’t. Nor do we need to. Your goal is to get your sister-inlaw to stop pestering you and hand over the photos, not to make her feel bad about her presents.

Miss Manners sometimes sidesteps technological demands by pleading incompetence, but this would merely bring down upon you assistance setting up the device you do not want. Better to say you are ready for the photos now and, when your sisterin-law comes snooping, explain that you have been experimenting with different locations — not mentioning that you are referring to storage places — but are looking forward to seeing the pictures.

Dear Miss Manners: As the mother of the bride, I understand that it is my place to host the bridal shower. That said, what other etiquette is associated with this role, and when do I involve the bridesmaids and maid of honor?

Gentle reader: Such matters need not trouble you, as you have been misinformed about the basic premise. Miss Manners reassures you that it is not the place of the bride’s mother to give a shower, but only to be appreciative if the bride’s friends decide to do so.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.