How to handle a kid experiencing separation sadness
LOS ANGELES — In early December, just as COVID19 cases were spiraling in Los Angeles, Jennifer Grosso posted a request on her Buy Nothing Facebook group that struck a chord with her neighbors:
“If anyone has any old windows or doors they’d like taken off their hands, I’d be happy to come pick them up! I’ve currently got about half of what I need for a greenhouse. All conditions welcome, we’ll put some love back into anything that needs it. Would rather build from scraps than buy new (pics for reference) TIA!”
After nearly a year of illness, isolation and loss, Grosso’s simple request offered people the opportunity to do something they hadn’t in months: meet and make new friends. “People really wanted that sense of connection,” she said. “When I met people curbside, I could tell they really wanted to talk.”
With so many people turning to decluttering to deal with the stress of cabin fever — drop-off centers in Los Angeles were overwhelmed with donations at one point last year — here was someone who was willing to come pick up building materials that were collecting black widow spiders in the backyard.
After Grosso posted her request on Buy Nothing, a Facebook group where people lend and give away items to their neighbors for free, she spent two weeks traversing the streets of Los Angeles as she collected discards at the curb. She started with doors and windows, but after she posted similar requests on Nextdoor and Tiktok, she was offered plants, curtains, a sunshade and lights from people inspired by her DIY project.
The more she traveled, the more the quiet 33-year-old manager of photographers learned about her neighbors and, ultimately, Los Angeles. She nearly drove off the side of the road at dusk in the steep hills of Mount Washington. She sampled Valerie Campbell’s homemade ice cream through a window in Glendale when she arrived to collect seeds and seedlings. Back home in Atwater, she carried an Ikea bed frame on her back and repurposed it as a raised bed planter.
And when the greenhouse was finished, it was ready for Instagram.
Grosso and her boyfriend, Trevor Morris, collected more than 75 windows and doors over two months. They ended up using 41 of them to create the structure — 8 by 15 feet and 11 feet high — and saved 12 to build cold frames, bottomless boxes with a transparent cover to protect plants from the elements.
“We thrive off of interacting with and collaborating with others,” Grosso said
Jenny Grosso and Trevor Morris built a greenhouse from the repurposed windows they collected from their neighbors.
of the greenhouse that L.A. built. “Especially within our local neighborhood and community, and that was one of the primary reasons for creating the space — to be able to share it.”
When Debra Ferrara saw Grosso’s request for donations on Nextdoor, she was delighted to add her windows to the collective building blocks. “I had just put new windows in my 90-yearold childhood home in Glassell Park,” Ferrara said. “I saved the old ones hoping they could be recycled. Now when I look at Jenny’s greenhouse online, I see my windows and it makes me smile.”
Buy Nothing Atwater member Kirsten Eggers had long been meaning to build cold frames with the doors that had been collecting dust in her backyard. But when she saw Grosso’s post, she felt they would be better served as part of a barn-raising-style project that would commemorate COVID-19 in an uplifting way.
The couple sanded all of the window frames by hand and painted them white, with the exception of a few. There was one teal window donated by Buy Nothing Atwater member Tina Van Berckelaer that made Grosso
hesitate before painting it over. Unsure what to do, she did what any millennial and social media denizen would do: She asked Tiktok.
People have strong opinions about windows, and when Grosso polled her followers, the response was overwhelmingly in favor of preserving the window’s original color.
So in a salute to online crowdsourcing, Grosso decided not to repaint it white.
“The window was a tiltup model that I think my handyman made for the previous owners,” Van Berckelaer said.
“I replaced it with a traditional wooden double-hung window. That window wasn’t bad, but all the other windows had been replaced by jalousie windows, probably in the ’60s, that really doesn’t go with the style of the house. I hate waste, so I was just thrilled that someone could use something that wouldn’t end up in the landfill.”
The couple’s motivation for creating an outdoor space was utilitarian. The result is that and more.
The greenhouse is a striking addition to the yard: a hodgepodge of doors, windows
and scavenged furnishings and accessories from the 99 Cents Only Store in Silver Lake. And while the tilted roof gives the dwelling a Modernist architectural vibe, the interior feels homey and quaint with colorful potted plants, macramé hangers, a decorative rainbow film on two of the windows (another Tiktok suggestion) and sparkling disco balls.
Grosso and Morris conceived the idea as a project to do together while they worked from home during the pandemic. (Morris, 34, a production coordinator on the National Geographic documentary series “Trafficked With Mariana van Zeller,” works out of the couple’s one-car garage.)
But once they started collecting scraps from their neighbors and received support on Buy Nothing, Tiktok and Nextdoor, the project became more than a longterm DIY project that might sit idle for months or even years. It became a communal neighborhood clubhouse to complete and share.
“So many people were counting on us, we had to finish,” Grosso said. “We had the peer fuel to keep it going.”
Scott Ervin
The Kid Whisperer
Dear Kid Whisperer,
My wife just went back to work in an office after working from home for the last year. I am still working from home and am also taking care of my 3-year-old son. Whenever my wife leaves the apartment, he completely freaks out. He screams and yells and tries to will himself through our front door to follow her. He cries for hours as I try to tell him that she will be back, that she misses him too, etcetera. I’m not sure where to go from here. -Mike, Nashville, Tennessee
Dear Mike,
This is a terrible situation, but it doesn’t have to be.
I’m going to tell you exactly what to do here, but first you may need a paradigm shift.
Your kid screaming and yelling because he misses his mom doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, and it doesn’t mean that you need to make him feel less badly about the situation. It also doesn’t mean you should try to solve this problem. This may be comforting because, obviously, you can’t solve his problem. Mommy has to go to work and your kid has to stay in the apartment. Furthermore, your kid should be upset, and he should probably cry. He’s three and he misses his mom. Absolutely none of this situation is hurtful for your kid! He will not be permanently traumatized because his mom left the apartment.
This is life: bad things that we don’t like happen all the time. These things make us sad and frustrated. We have emotional reactions to them. We learn how to deal with these situations and our feelings.
Trying to solve the problem by upending your morning every day and explaining to a 3-yearold that Mommy is not leaving forever is silly, unmanageable and ultimately hurtful. As much as this may hurt your heart, this situation is your kid’s problem, not yours. Problems are gifts because they help us to grow and learn. If you just empathize and leave your kid alone, he will grow and become stronger through this difficulty. If we own a kid’s problem by stopping our lives in order to try to change
Your kid screaming and yelling because he misses his mom doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, and it doesn’t mean that you need to make him feel less badly about the situation.
the laws of time and space or explain away what is simply a normal, upsetting situation, we express a low opinion of our kid’s ability to persevere while making everyone’s lives harder.
Here’s how I would handle your daily situation as my wife closed the door:
Kid: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH !!!!
Kid Whisperer (with sincere empathy and without stopping the cleaning of my wife’s breakfast dishes): Oh, no.
Kid: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!
Kid Whisperer: Oh, no.
Kid: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH !!!!!
Kid Whisperer: Oh, no.
Kid: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!! (Kid starts breaking stuff )
Kid Whisperer: Oh, no. (Kid Whisperer takes stuff out of Kid’s hands, picks up Kid, and carries Kid to a room that has been made to be technology and danger free).
Kid Whisperer: Oh, no. Come back as soon as you can be safe.
If Kid comes back and is safe, he can stay. If Kid comes back and is unsafe, he is taken back to the room without while the same script is used. If the yelling turns into a longterm tantrum that stops you from being able to get work done, you can use the same script and change the word “safe” to “calm” and enforce that limit exactly the same way.
Even at 3 years old, it’s important for adults to make kids know that we love them, that their problems are their own, and that we know they can handle those problems.