Honest communication is key to defining a relationship
You’ve swiped right, had the first dates and are now “together” with a person. Great! Or is it?
A client recently reached out to me and said, “I’ve been seeing this guy from Hinge for about a month. I’ve met his family already, and mine know about him. We’ve met each other’s friends. When is it OK to define the rela- tionship? Do I just assume we’re together?”
Meetups with each other’s family and friends are defi- nitely significant milestones that veer into “exclusive” or “couple” territory. For other people, this may be spend- ing an important holiday together, exchanging gifts or taking a vacation together. But the idea of “just assuming we’re together” can be dangerous. After all, you know what they say about assuming. ...
Like most things related to relationships (and I mean all relationships in your life, romantic or otherwise), com- munication is key. In my client’s case, it’s definitely time for a discussion to be had about defining the rela- tionship and making sure you both understand what the expectations are. Who knows? Maybe you would never introduce someone to your family who you’re not very serious about, but the other person might not think it’s that big of a deal.
While you might have deleted Bumble, Hinge and other dating apps from your phone, the other person might still be swiping, com- pletely unaware that you are operating under the impres- sion that you’re a full-fledged couple.
No matter what stage of the relationship you’re in, it’s never too early (or late) to check in and say, “Hey, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page here.” Maybe that’s keeping things open, maybe that’s agreeing to a friends-with-benefits situation, or maybe it’s agreeing to stop seeing other people and see where your relation- ship goes. Whatever that defi- nition of the relationship is, it must be what you are comfortable with and agree to.
Ready to make the jump from “seeing each other” to “couple”? You might want to talk to your partner and say something like this: “I like you, and I’m enjoying getting to know you better. I am not really interested in meeting new people at this stage because I want to see where things go with you. How do you feel about that?”
After that, be specific about what you want with- out being confrontational. Is it monogamy? Plans to see each other at least once a week? Or maybe you both agree to delete your dating apps and focus on each other.
Hopefully, your partner will be receptive and excited to ensure you’re in sync with where your relationship is. It’s important to also be open to the possibility that they may have other ideas. Maybe they don’t want to commit to a relationship now and just want to have fun. Maybe they never want to settle down.
If you find out that you’re not aligned with your vision for the relationship, you may need to assess whether you should move on.
No matter the outcome, having the “DTR” conversation will give you something vital: clarification. Even if you seem to be hitting relationship milestones, it’s crucial to never assume you know exactly where your partner is emotionally. And so we’re left to have these difficult but important conversations based on total honesty to avoid future heartbreak. The lesson here is communication — because you never know until you ask.