Structure, planning, and discussion Helping kids feel safe amid a pandemic
So many people had high hopes for 2020, thinking it would be a time of 20/20 clear vision. Much of what has come into focus so far this year, however, is chaos, conflict, and the coronavirus. It’s been month after month of school and business disruptions due to the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as hurricanes, tornadoes, wildfires, racial divide, and political turmoil.
Try as everyone might to create some semblance of normalcy in this strange time, people are simply stressed out. And if the general population is experiencing the strain, what must kids be feeling? When in our lifetime have children been forced indoors for such long periods of time, unable to play with their friends, unable to go to arcades or concerts or even the local pizza parlor, unable to learn in school — their second safe haven after the family home for many?
Louise Levin, a practicing trauma-trained marriage and family therapist based in Westport, says parents should not pretend they are stress-free for the sake of their children. Rather than telling their kids that everything is okay, they should be honest about how they are feeling, particularly since it’s difficult for children to gauge how other people are feeling outside their immediate family.
Levin said she asked one 12-year-old boy how kids are doing now that they are back in school. “I
don’t know,” he told her. “They’re all wearing masks.”
It can be disconcerting at best. And even as teachers attempt to educate in these unusual circumstances, nothing is really normal, and there’s the underlying fear that if COVID-19 cases surge again this fall or winter, the state will be forced into another lockdown.
Most schools are offering hybrid schedules, which vary in each municipality and/or district but generally include a couple of days in the classroom with teachers in person and a couple of days learning remotely with teachers appearing on a computer screen. There are also plenty of parents who opted not to send their children back to school at all.
One New Haven County mom said she had fully planned to send her 8-year-old son back to school because, as an only child, he had no interaction with children his age since last March, and he desperately missed his friends. She grew concerned about his mental health as a result of that isolation. He has asthma, however, and after consulting his pediatrician, who said “absolutely not,” the mom chose the distance learning option. She is disappointed in the online learning and feels her son is not being challenged enough but for now she is weighing health and safety against education and socialization.
Karen, a Fairfield County parent, said she and her husband knew early on that they would choose “temporary remote learning” for their children ages 9 (4th grade) and 15 (11th grade). “Our driving concern was underlying health issues for several of us. We didn’t feel we could take the risk, even with the town’s hybrid program of two days in school and three days at home,” she said.
In making the decision, these parents consulted their town’s assistant superintendent of schools to learn exactly how the temporary remote learning program would work, and they found it extremely helpful speaking with other families that opted to have their children learn remotely instead of participating in the hybrid program. “It has been a tremendous support group,” Karen said.
They also included their children in the discussion, making them a part of the process. “We did consult with our children and talked about the pros and cons of this difficult decision,” Karen said. “While the kids are missing out on in-school learning and social interaction with friends and teachers, we feel we can better manage their interactions with friends, safely, on our own time. Thanks to technology, they are seeing, talking with, and even playing online with friends all the time. This does not replace ‘in person’ contact but it’s one piece of the puzzle as we balance schooling, social time, (and) activities during a pandemic.”
“We keep reminding each other that it’s not a ‘forever plan’ but rather a ‘for now’ plan,” Karen adds.
Whether physically in school or learning long distance, Levin said there are things parents can do to help minimize stress in this uncertain time. Creating a routine always helps, she said. “It’s providing structure. When any situation is so disruptive, one of the stopgap measures is to provide structure. People feel safer when there’s structure … it provides some level of certainty,” Levin said.
Levin’s twin adult children, Sefra Alexandra Levin and Jesse Levin, have developed long-range strategies for handling stress, whether induced by natural disasters or man-made events. They created an organization called The Readiness Collective, which will be launched this fall at The SoNo Collection, the shopping, dining, art and entertainment destination in Norwalk.
“When you have the baseline skills of readiness, you don’t have to be scared because you are prepared to meet any obstacle that you’re faced with,” Sefra Levin said.
The Readiness Collective will not only provide a readiness curriculum, teaching children and adults how to respond to disasters, but it will also feature a space where children can spread out and do their homework, with people there to help them, and there will be co-working space for the parents as well.
“We keep reminding each other that it’s not a ‘forever plan’ but rather a ‘for now’ plan.”