Sweetness given but not returned
Dear Annie: Each year, my family celebrates Thanksgiving and Christmas with my parents and my brother’s family. When I was a teenager, my grandma taught me how to make her special holiday dishes that have been our family tradition for many years. Eventually, my grandma was no longer able to cook, and later, she passed away, so I took over for her to keep these family traditions alive. Most everyone seems to enjoy the food, and they are very thankful that I carry on these traditions, especially for the younger generation, who I plan to teach during my lifetime. It makes our holidays extra special.
The problem I have occurs each year when my parents invite their friends to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. None of us mind the extra company or the fact that they spend the day with us. However, the last few holiday dinners, I have come away sad or disappointed because of my parents’ actions.
Last Thanksgiving, it made me very sad to see my mom talk about how wonderful the store-bought cupcakes one of her friends brought were but not even acknowledge the time I took to bake Grandma’s pumpkin pie. I do have to say Grandma’s recipe is delicious.
This year, due to COVID-19, I informed my parents and brother that I would deliver Thanksgiving dinner to them. They seemed very excited, and I purchased separate turkeys and all the ingredients. I wanted to send them the perfect meal since we are not able to be together. My brother was very thankful. My parents and I had tentative times set for when I would drop off their meal.
Today, I was blindsided when my parents’ friend called to tell me that they are joining my parents for dinner and they plan to bring the turkey and stuffing. They bragged about how good the food will be because they are buying it from a gourmet restaurant. By the end of the conversation, I had no other choice but to say that I decided not to bake the turkey I thawed in my refrigerator for my parents. They knew I planned to make them a special meal but could not tell me that their friends are now bringing the main courses. I feel they do not appreciate what their daughter is doing and only care about their friends.
Do you have any suggestions on how I should deal with this holiday meal letdown every year? All I want to do is cook and bake with the love my grandma showed me many years ago when she taught me how to make her recipes. The rest of my family appreciates what I do, but my parents only seem to appreciate what people besides me do for them. — Holiday Heartbroken
Dear Holiday Heartbroken: It seems as if consideration, manners and kindness skipped a generation. Perhaps your mother is jealous of the bond you and your grandmother had, which could explain why she is acting so dismissive of your hard work and efforts, especially if she is not a great cook herself. Also, your parents seem to want to impress their friends with fake compliments. Raving over store-bought cupcakes and not even acknowledging your homemade pumpkin pie is ridiculous.
This type of parental behavior is painful. The best way to deal with it is to first to acknowledge it, which you did by writing this letter, and then to understand that we cannot control other people's actions toward us; we can only control our response. So, understand that your mom must be unhappy about something if she is treating you in such a manner. Try to focus on all the other family members who appreciate what you do.
You might want to consider having a straightforward conversation with your parents. They might not even be aware of how their actions make you feel. Sometimes it is easier to take the people we are closest to for granted, and it is our job as family members to communicate hurt feelings.