‘THERE’S NO GOING BACK TO NORMAL’
Eight years after Sandy Hook, families remember loved ones amid pandemic
NEWTOWN — On a day when the veil is thinnest between life and that tragic December morning in 2012, observances here are subdued – in part because of COVID-19 restrictions, and in part because of a growing understanding that people need to grieve individually.
The last thing Newtown wants on the most solemn day of its calendar is to keep families from honoring their loved ones in their own way.
“There’s no going back to the way it was before,” said Daniel Krauss, the chairman of a group advising the town about a memorial for the 20 first-graders and six educators slain at Sandy Hook Elementary School.
“It impacted everybody – and how it impacted them depends on the person, so we need to respect where people are in their grief.”
Families of loss have been saying as much since the tragedy sent shock waves across the country eight years ago, but it took a peerreviewed study of 15 Sandy Hook families published this summer to underscore the point: grouping together the 26 families as though all their grief is the same makes the trauma worse.
It’s a message some families find themselves emphasizing more on social media this time of year.
“Did you know that no one group represents all families? Not even in one community,” tweetedNelba Marquez-Greene, whose daughter Ana Grace was slain in the 2012 shooting. “It’s honoring and respectful to allow people to speak for themselves. In their own words.”
In Newtown, respecting the varieties of grief has traditionally meant no townwide observance on the anniversary, in favor of a moment of silence and encouragement from Town Hall to reflect privately at home or in church. But this year, because of concerns about the coronavirus, there will also be no large anniversary Mass for VIPs and the public at the town’s only Catholic church. Instead, there will be two smaller morning Masses, and a private evening Mass with the traditional reading of the victims’ names.
Furthermore, instead of a traditional interfaith prayer service, the annual ceremony will be livestreamed online.
The irony is that although the COVID-19 restrictions are having the desired effect of keeping VIPs and the media out of Newtown on the rawest day of the year, the pandemic is also straining and changing life in profound ways over the holidays – such as preventing travel for those families that cope with the anniversary by getting out of Newtown.
“We are trying to move through this difficult time personally, although we also understand so many people are devastated and hurting and deeply affected by the pandemic,” said Mark Barden, who lost a son in the 2012 school shooting. “It’s hard to wallow in our own grief, but this is the first time we have been home for the holidays since Daniel was with us.”
‘It’s not over’
The 8th anniversary of the worst crime in Connecticut history comes at a time when Newtown has never been closer to a final design to memorialize 26 victims of the Sandy Hook shooting.
After several starts and stops to find the right site for the memorial, and to settle on a design that everyone could agree on and that Newtown could afford, the matter is expected to go before voters in a referendum in April.
If Newtowners approve, construction could begin on a multi-million-dollar memorial in a remote meadow not far from the new Sandy Hook School, and be complete by the 10th anniversary in 2022. The memorial design, which features a “sacred sycamore” in a reflecting pool encircled by the names of the slain children and their educators, relies on nature to nurture the visitor.
The town has come this close to a consensus largely because the group entrusted with championing the memorial was encouraged to take as much time as it needed. The volunteer group includes members of three families that lost a child in the shooting.
Patience continues to be a driving principle of wellness in Newtown, particularly in the face of a culture that often rushes recovery in a bid to outflank grief.
“It’s not over for a lot of people,” Krauss said of the tragedy. “I don’t think it will ever be over for anybody.”
Tricia Pinto, a member of the memorial advisory group who also serves as victim care coordinator for Newtown’s Center for Support and Wellness, said the heaviness-of-heart that’s been part of her life since her son Jack was killed in the Sandy Hook shooting is hard to explain to people who’ve never experienced that kind of pain.
But there she was trying to explain the pain after her older son and the Newtown High football team had just won the state title with a dramatic, walk-off touchdown exactly one year ago today, on the 7th anniversary of the Sandy Hook shooting.
“It’s always so difficult to explain what it feels like to hold grief in your heart while celebrating these precious moments,” Pinto told reporters after the elation of the victory was spent. “To be honest, as the weekend came and went, we’re just missing Jack.”
In the end, a day that’s ingrained in the national memory is every day for families of loss.
Difficult as it is to suffer grief as intense as the day the tragedy happened, Barden said he can’t imagine coping without the support of family and friends in Newtown.
“Our family is our primary source of strength, and we have a close circle of friends – some of whom we knew before the tragedy and some who we have built relationships with since the tragedy,” Barden said. “Our personal experience has been our family and this community has wrapped its arms around us and lifted us up.”