UFO theories are out of this world

ATTENTION, Earthlings, you have nothing to fear but fear itself ...

That’s how I feel after the congressional hearing on UFO sightings, conducted by the House Intelligence Counterterrorism, Counterintelligence and Counterproliferation Subcommittee.

That name alone is enough to inspire confidence in me. It must have been the creation of Vice President Spiro T. Agnew, a politician known for his way with words and for popularizing the term “nattering nabobs of negativism.”

The subcommittee has been looking into “Unexplained Aerial Phenomena,” which include 11 near-misses with U.S. aircraft. “UAP” is the euphemism for what was previously known as UFOs, or Unidentified Flying Objects.

Pentagon officials said some of the 400 reported incidents cannot be explained, including one in the Pacific, where an object “seemed to have descended tens of thousands of feet before stopping and hovering.”

However, the Pentagon quickly assured us nattering nabobs that these encounters do NOT involve extraterrestrial aliens. My uneducated opinion is that whenever the government says, “No worries!” you have to be suspicious because it’s either disinformation or misinformation. I came to that conclusion after a lifetime of watching our leaders in action and the History Channel series “Project Blue Book” about UFO sightings. For a long time, they’ve been claiming these sightings are the result of “swamp gas” and too much LSD.

I follow the science (fiction) and watch a lot of documentaries, from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” to “Mars Attacks!” and “Independence Day,” where the President of the United States leads a squadron of fighter jets to attack the aliens and save America. (Hey, it’s Hollywood so that was easier for him than attacking inflation.)

I’ve learned a few lessons. First, aliens always say they’re coming in peace, until a scientist like Dr. Fauci runs out to greet the space ship and give them a federal grant ... and they vaporize him.

If you ever saw the movie “They Live,” you know that aliens are taking over the rich and famous and manipulating the media. So beware.

To prepare for the day of reckoning, let me offer some suggestions. The first thing aliens say in movies is “Take me to your leader.” But the first thing they’ll actually say is “Take me to the Kardashians.” So we have to make sure the Kardashians, all 372 of them, are available for a welcoming gala at the Met, organized by Anna Wintour.

There are also political issues to resolve: Should we let extraterrestrial aliens vote in the mid-term elections or do they need to become U.S. citizens? And, can they submit absentee ballots from their planet? (To avoid hurting their feelings, we should probably call them “extraterrestrial noncitizens” since “alien” has a negative connotation.)

I have a theory that the aliens are coming here to buy weed because it’s not legal on their planet. Therefore I urge Chuck Schumer, who drafted a bill to legalize marijuana, to form a group called the Interplanetary Potheads for Peace and pass around the bong when they get here.

To prepare for their arrival, I watched the movie “Arrival,” which is about aliens who come to Earth to give us a language that alters our perception of time and lets us see the future.

This means we’ll be able to predict our next president and avoid the ordeal of an election. It also means we’ll be able to see what the Federal Reserve has in store to wipe out our retirement savings.

The aliens in “Arrival” had seven legs and bore a striking resemblance to giant squid. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to have a hard time trusting a creature that looks like a humongous piece of fried calamari. Therefore, I urge the president to ban calamari consumption as a peaceful intergalactic gesture.

I’ve also done research on aliens who are “shape shifters” and can make themselves look like us, so be prepared for them to step out of their spacecraft resembling Taylor Swift, Whoopi Goldberg, the Rock, Nancy Pelosi and Hugh Hefner.

In advance of their arrival, the president should appoint a welcoming committee to show them around. I recommend taking them to Mar-a-Lago for cocktails and a round of golf with Donald Trump. That could be followed by a day at Disney World and high-level talks with Goofy, lunch with the Avengers, a stroll through Times Square to experience the thrill of being mugged, and a trip to Trader Joe’s to buy some soy sausages and mandarin orange chicken for the trip home.

Let’s look on the bright side. If aliens can travel here from distant galaxies, they can end the two greatest threats to humanity — climate change and social media. On the other hand, as gas prices approach $10 a gallon in some places, they may not be able to fill their tank to get home.