Don’t have cold feet about wearing socks with sandals
At this time of year, I step outside my comfort zone to make a dramatic fashion statement. It’s not my yellow Speedo bathing suit or my pink paisley bow tie or even those latex skin-tight stretchable double-pleated khakis. It’s my lifelong habit of wearing socks with sandals.
If there’s one thing Democrats and Republicans agree on, it’s that no American should be allowed to wear socks with sandals because it violates some regulation drafted by the Centers for Disease Control and its sister agency, the American Fashion Institute.
People in respectable society just don’t do it, which is why I venture out cautiously. I’m always looking to see if my neighbors are watching and whispering, “Look at that doofus who’s wearing socks with sandals. Doesn’t he know the first rule of civilized fashion, as articulated by Anna Wintour and Karl Lagerfeld, is that the plebeian class should not be allowed to wear socks with Tevas and Birkenstocks?”
It doesn’t help my case that my socks have holes in the toes. Hey, we’re living in hard times, so hard that Americans will probably have to start darning their socks for the first time since the Great Depression to have enough money for gas and heating oil. Entire generations of young Americans in Ivy League schools don’t even know how to darn a sock.
I developed this habit growing up in Pine Rock Park, Shelton, where we were non-conformists, who weren’t afraid to break the rules.
The fiercest criticism comes from my daughters, who insist the practice is de classe in a woke society and symptomatic of “toxic masculinity.” (They’ve been throwing a lot of ideology at me.)
I’ve never seen a woman wear socks with sandals. If one exists, I’d like to invite her to join my passive resistance. However, this seems to be a man issue, and we have few advocates to advance our agenda and even fewer daring enough to be iconoclasts.
For the record, I’d like to offer arguments in my defense. First: Have you ever taken a close look at feet, especially your own? Feet can be horrifying. Our toes are the least evolved part of our bodies, second only to our brains, and they’re often more hideous than the claws on those Jurassic Park dinosaurs.
Before you start screaming that I’m “toe shaming” or “foot shaming” and ban me from shopping at the DSW Shoe Warehouse, let me offer a defense. Even though we’ve accustomed to shouting one another down rather than engaging in reasoned discourse, this is an urgent issue of public health, so please hear me out.
Wearing socks with my Tevas isn’t nearly as frightening as men who wear white knee socks with Bermuda shorts, which is a fashion violation worthy of Homer Simpson and Don Knotts ... and yet no one’s attacking them, which shows you that justice is applied discriminately in this country.
I urge champions of public health policy such as Chuck Schumer, Michael Bloomberg — mastermind behind the Big Gulp ban — and Dr. Marcus Antonius Fauci to confer with the FDA and the American Orthopaedic Association and issue a directive that requires Americans to wear socks with sandals. Here’s why:
1. No one should be psychologically scarred by looking at someone’s terrifying toes. Spend a few moments studying your own toes and ask yourself, “Do I want to expose the public to that horrifying sight at a time in America’s history when we’re already experiencing unprecedented social unrest and the likelihood of a recession? Furthermore, do I want to expose my toes to public humiliation? They could be scarred for life and not respond to psychotherapy.
2. There’s no denying that feet smell. By wearing socks with your sandals, you’ll promote clean air and control global warming. You’ll be praised by John Kerry, Greta Thunberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore, not to mention Dr. Scholl.
3. Your feet get dirty when you don’t wear socks, and with drought conditions in many parts of this nation, the day is coming when you won’t be able to wash your feet because water will be as scarce as baby formula and tampons.
4. TICKS. Yes, ticks are very scary. They’re everywhere. Plus they bite. A few weeks ago, I found one walking across my pillow and I ran screaming down the hall until I found a tennis racket to bludgeon it. Ticks also spread disease, so be cautious and wear socks even if you intend to spray bug repellent on your bare feet.
If you aren’t persuaded by these arguments, at least consider an alternative — spray your feet with Lysol and OFF! Then, cover your toes with a face mask, on the recommendation of Dr. Fauci.