Late night humor

A roundup of the best lines from recent monologues

Conan O’Brien

A new study of online dating profiles reveals thatwomen respond 31 percent better to men who use the word “whom.” Frankly, I don’t know whom these men are, or whom they’re trying to impress.

Today at the Olympics the Russian men’s hockey team, whichwas favored, was eliminated by Finland. Then an hour later, the Russian men’s hockey teamwas eliminated by Putin.

In Florida, a 101- year- old man is planning to run for Congress. His slogan is “Vote for me and then vote again in two months.”

Jimmy Fallon

A new report just came out that some companies, especially tech companies, are not hiring enough female employees. But guys who run tech companies say they’d love to hire morewomen. Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close.

Itwas revealed this week that Sandra Bullock and George Clooney were not the first choices to star in the movie “Gravity.” Seriously? Whosaid “No”— God and Oprah?

A company is selling a new action figure based onNSA leaker Edward Snowden. Of course, the only thing it does is tattle on yourG. I. Joes.

Jimmy Kimmel

One personwon the $ 425 million Powerball jackpot. Itwas purchased at a Chevron station outside of San Jose. 1, 17, 35, 49, 55, and 34were the lucky numbers. NOW they tell us.

This afternoon theU. S. women’s team faced off against Canada in the gold medal hockey game. Aweird thing happened during that game. I foundmyself caring aboutwomen’s hockey for just, like, amoment.

The best part of watching the Canadians win iswe got towatch Toronto Mayor Rob Ford celebrate.

Craig Ferguson

There is a big celebrity birthday today. Happy birthday to15th century astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus.

Copernicus is considered the “father of astronomy.” I know you’re thinking, “Craig, you can’t do a monologue aboutNicolaus Copernicus. Thatwas Jay Leno’s signature bit.” That’s true, but Leno’s gone now.

Copernicus wasn’t just an astronomer. He also practiced medicine, but without a proper medical degree. Hewas like a 15th century Dr. Phil.