Hey, Amazon, who cares about school or transit; we’ve got sunshine

South Florida, surely, has a better chance at seducing Amazon than Tucson, Arizona or Gary, Indiana or Londonderry, New Hampshire. Our bid may not be perfect, but we’ve still got South Beach. We’ve got the Elbo Room.

Nor should we be much worried about getting edged out by Calgary, Ottawa or Jacksonville (I mean, come on, Jacksonville?) among the 238 cities and metropolitan regions in 54 states, provinces, districts and territories (including hurricane ravaged Puerto Rico) who’ve entered the Amazon super sweepstakes. Everyone wants the company to build its giant second headquarters on their patch.

And I do mean giant. As in 8 million square feet of office space to go along with 50,000 high paying, high tech jobs. Nearly every major city in North America, along with dozens of not-somajor towns (Sarasota?) (Port St. Lucie?) have promised Amazon tax incentives along with more sweeteners than a Miami escort service.

Perhaps the bids included a few misrepresentations. We’re all dying to see how the proposal from Tampa Bay, with one of the chintziest public transportation system of any major metropolitan area in the country, glossed over Amazon’s mass transit requirements.

New York City highlighted its bid by lighting up the skyline in Amazon orange. The mayor of the Atlanta suburb of Stonecrest offered to carve out a chunk of his city and rename it “Amazon.” (South Florida can do better. I’m taking it on myself to rename Pompano Beach, all of it, “Amazon By The Sea,” or, if the big boss prefers alliteration, “Bezos Beach.”)

Calgary took out newspaper ads and erected a big red billboard on a downtown street declaring, “Hey, Amazon. Not saying we’d fight a bear for you … but we totally would.” For 50,000 jobs, paying an average $100,000 a year, South Florida would totally wrestle alligators. (Actually, we’d totally wrestle gators for a growler of Funky Buddha, but 50,000 jobs would make for a nice bonus.)

In South Florida, the Greater Fort Lauderdale Alliance in Broward County, the Business Development Board of Palm Beach County and The Beacon Council in MiamiDade County teamed up with a single whammo bid. On paper, we’ve got freeways and commuters trains and a (not-so-reliable) elevated rail system running through Miami. We’ve got water taxis and (eventually) a streetcar meandering through Fort Lauderdale. And, oh yeah, a fine fleet of pedicabs you ain’t gonna find in Atlanta. We probably forgot to mention the perpetual gridlock along I-95.

At Amazon’s massive Number One Headquarters in Seattle, the company boasts that 55 percent of its 40,000 employees there commute by walking, biking or mass transit. Suddenly, our region’s long, dismal history of underfunding alternatives to the automobile seems a bit unwise.

But South Florida’s biggest problem with wooing Amazon or any high tech 21st century West Coast-cool enterprise has to do with that other Florida, the Good Ol’ Boy Florida that rules this joint. We’re stuck with an anti-science, gun-slinging reactionary regime that earlier this year enacted legislation allowing any resident in the state, not just parents, to challenge their county’s public school instructional materials. The bill had been pushed by a Naplesbased religious outfit, the Florida Citizens Alliance, that’s determined to rid our schools of this evolution stuff.

We’ve got a governor, a Donald Trump acolyte, whose administration has forbidden officials at the Florida Department of Environmental Protection from employing terms like “climate change” or “global warming.” Wonder how that sits with Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos, who joined Bill Gates’ clean energy initiative last year. And whose company, in a direct rebuke to the president, tweeted this summer that Amazon “continues to support the Paris climate agreement and action on climate change.”

Nor has Gov. Rick Scott bothered to disavow his buddy Trump’s personal attacks on Bezos, arguably the most successful businessman ever produced by Florida’s public school system. (Valedictorian, Miami Palmetto Senior High, class of 1982). Bezos also happens to own the Washington Post, a major Trump irritant.

Florida’s ignominious history of underfunding public education won’t help our bid. Amazon, setting the parameters for HQ2, stated “a highly educated labor force is critical and a strong university system is required.” South Florida tech firms already have trouble finding talent hereabouts. Amazon might wonder how it can scarf up another 50,000 techies from our local workforce.

Business writers figure that Denver, Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Toronto, Washington and Chicago come closest to the urban setting Amazon prefers. Paddy Power, the Irish on-line betting site, gives Atlanta a 1-in-3 chance to win over Amazon. The tote board has South Florida with a 1-in-20 shot.

But Paddy Power also picked the Dolphins as a three point favorite over the Ravens Thursday night, so what the hell do the Irish know?

Besides, we’ve got Coral Castle, nine Hooters restaurants (love those wings), the Jungle Queen and 100 miles of beach. Hey, Amazon, before deciding, grab some sunscreen (SPF 45 recommended for Seattle refugees), rent a convertible, cruise down A1A and soak up our intangibles.

Fred Grimm (@grimm_fred and leogrimm@gmail.com), a longtime resident of Fort Lauderdale, has worked as a reporter or columnist in South Florida since 1976.