Abuse threatens entire family

Dear Amy: I had a rough childhood. My mom and dad had my older sister and me before they divorced. My mom remarried, and my stepfather had a son from his previous marriage. They then had a boy of their own.

My sister and I were treated more harshly by our stepfather than our brothers. Our punishment was a lashing from a leather belt. It was harsh and abusive, and started when we were very young. It stopped when we were about 13 years old. I would be left with bruises for days, making it painful to sit down at school.

I am 30 now. My stepfather is a changed man. He is kind and loving.

My issue is my mother. Through all this, she never once told my stepfather to stop. Whenever it was over, I remember only seeing her back. She never looked me in the eye. She never stood up for me and I carry hatred and bitterness toward her for that.

Now my mother desperately wants to have a relationship with my sister and me. I see that she is heartbroken and confused as to why we struggle to have one with her. We desperately want one with her too, but we both can’t drop our guard. I guess we both still believe that our mother hasn’t changed at all — unlike our stepfather.

I don’t know if having a conversation with her will just break her heart. How can I resolve this without demanding to know why she didn’t stand up for me as a child? — E

Dear E: It is significant that you have been able to forgive your abusive stepfather, and yet you hold onto bitterness and resentment toward your mother.

You might rightly assume that the fearsome man who beat you with a leather belt, also frightened your mother into submission. She couldn’t make eye contact with you because she, too, was afraid and ashamed. Physical abuse threatens and intimidates the entire family.

It is better to risk cracking open your mother’s heart a little, allowing everyone to express their truth, versus extending an estrangement. Plus, you and your sister will get further with her if you don’t gang up on her or overwhelm her.

Send email to askamy @amydickinson.com.