Wife keeps secret of hidden debts
Dear Amy: I’m in a long-term marriage. I have hidden debt (in my name only). The debt is around $45,000. I incurred this debt through light gambling, buying clothes, makeup, travel, hobbies and gifts, plus moving it around to prevent my husband from finding out about it.
I manage this debt and my income covers it.
In the marriage, part of our income is shared for household needs and the remainder is for each spouse to handle as they wish, with the expectation of much of it going to savings as we near retirement. I’m torn between telling my husband about it, which may or may not end our marriage, and just leaving the marriage without telling him about it.
Except for some diminishing retirement expectations, this has not affected our financial strength. The lying and dishonesty, however, is affecting the emotional strength of our relationship. Obviously, there are other issues, but at this point, this is the question: Should I tell my husband about this hidden debt and incur his wrath and the possible end to the marriage? Or should I not tell him and leave the marriage by my own choice? Or should I stay the course and, since it’s manageable, assume that everything will be OK when the debt is paid off ? I think I know what I’m going to do, but I’m still interested in your response. — Imprisoned
Dear Imprisoned: If you have not stopped your spending — you must. I also don’t quite know what qualifies as “light gambling,” but this is another issue for you to address.
You could start by seeking treatment and peer support through the Debtors Anonymous group (debtorsanonymous.org), or similar organization.
You need to understand that your entire question is about the value you see in running, hiding and leaving the relationship over this. So please don’t think that this debt is “manageable,” or that it isn’t having a huge impact on your life, because your debt is running the show. And, yes, tell your husband. Your silence and secrecy is imprisoning you. When you disclose this, you start your recovery.
Readers can send email to askamy@amydickinson .com or address letters to “Ask Amy” P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY, 13068.